Save Lando

for your reading pleasure, todays posting will be from a friend. enjoy.

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Hello everyone! I have this friend, and lets for anonymities sake call him Lando. Let me tell you about him.

Lando sometimes appears to have a problem with confidence. As pompous as he may act from time to time, he really doesnt think himself any better than anyone else. Not that he should of course, but he obviously doesnt see himself for all he is or could be.

Alot of Lando’s time lately has been spent either online or on the telephone talking to a woman. Now I don’t know her name, but i was told her name rhymes with ‘Katrina’. He’s confided in me that he’s, for the most part, fallen for her. He really didn’t have to even tell me, I thought it pretty obvious. the way he goes from zero to smile whenever he hears the phone ring, to the way he stutters when trying to talk about her, to the fact that he’s having trouble eating or sleeping anymore. and of course, these are just observations, he would never admit any of this to me.

From what Lando’s told me, this woman seems good for him. Intelligent, funny, and caring, all the things important to him. i assume to everyone else as well, including myself.

He’s spoken a little bit about being afraid, afraid of opening up and being hurt again. Lando worries about not being good enough for her, and if she’ll eventually feel the same. Again, things he won’t admit normally, but i pried from him when he was weak.

He wont speak about his job, a crappy little job on the south side of town. He gets paid ok, and he’s great with people, but it stopped being a challenge when he learned to overcome his shyness. He won’t talk about it because he’s mebarassed by it. He’s above the job, and he knows it.

all this, and he’ll never stop to tell anyone. he thinks that he shouldnt bother anyone else with his burden. lando will smile and pretend nothings bothering him, even when it’s obvious he’s being eaten from the inside.

Now, the aforementioned woman is coming this next weekend to visit lando for the first time. I’m going to try my best to be the casual observer, if lando lets me stick around long enough to.

I wish Lando luck, I haven’t seen him this happy in a long long time. He’s a nice guy, I think he deserves it.

…and Lando, dont get mad at me, I was just stating what you dont want to. you know its the truth so you cant bitch too much.

with love,

Honest Amber

you know its funny, how some words can have an effect on you. and really, it may not be so much the words per se, but the way they’re said sometimes. i only say this because this happens to me occasionally, and ok.

im fairly transparent. just made me think about it when i was picking myself up off the floor earlier.

maybe this makes perfect sense, or no sense at all.

am i supposed to make sense again?

got to talk to one of my regular customers at work today. just makes me wonder whats going on with this world, and how people can treat each other the way they do. married 7 years, the husband had developed over the course of a year, a little drug habit. the wife gave an ulitimatum for him to clean himself up or she was going to leave him. he decided he wasnt going to, and that she wasnt going to leave him. when she went to pack her things he pulled out a 12 gauge shotgun on her. he even fired it. it jammed. she lived, and is living in fear right now on the run.

7 years. 7 years!

things like this make me wonder if maybe there’s not something wrong with the world, but something wrong with me, for not getting it. because I DON’T GET IT.

i dont want consumption, its too much. inviting yet terrifying. and i still welcome it. whether it be out of mental illness or a temporary insanity, i still venture.

makes you take a long hard look in the mirror.

makes you want to run.

i’ve always had a problem with wearing my feelings on my sleeve. i generally make it well known that this is the case, and to ignore with every chance.

last night, i, like the wonderous moron i am. decided to show this trait. it took a little while to admit it, but i was DRAGGED, kicking and screaming to confess.

now it was all just me being an idiot, and that was in fact confirmed and catalogued. i hope that it didnt have any bearing on future anythings. im not trying to hide who i am, but i think i almost would have rather not shown one of my weaknesses like that.

perhaps i just felt a little exposed. not a bad thing all in all. just seem to have a problem with letting people in. the ones who get in usually are the ones who shouldn’t. i’m trying at once both not to get hurt and to feel the way i feel. it’s a difficult line to walk. all the self-confidence (or lack thereof)issues come into play. do i? don’t i? does she? doesn’t she?

time tells all tales i suppose, but i am having trouble figuring out what time it is…