Save Lando

its funny. my feelings really havent changed at all. i feel like all im getting is the cold shoulder. i dont know how to deal with it. i dont want to be angry, and im not. i think more than anything, i’m confused.

am i just not getting it? whats the deal?

i think the problem was trying to understand someone else. sure, you find them infinitely interesting and an endless well of smiles, but if they don’t want to be understood, you’ll never have a chance. not one fucking chance.

people put up walls to protect themselves from others getting in. but in doing so they are prevent themselves from getting out. i dont have any clue what im saying, or trying to say (if its anything). im confused, rambling, wondering where i stand.

who knew it has been 3 days already.

time flies i suppose. and i was out of town, so i can always use that as an excuse for my blogging neglect.

accomplished a little bit today, broke out of a minor writing slump and knocked out 3 songs. one of them being about an apple. poor poor apple…

so out of town. went to austin to visit a friend. anyone who reads this knows who.

wasnt what i expected, but i cant say it was horrible. i got to see her again (worth the price of admission) and visit a city i’ve always liked. and if anything i come home wiser than i left. thinking about things i normally dont, but maybe should. and whereas they may be painful to drudge through at first, 24 hours later, i feel it was close to a necessity. even thankful it was brought up to a certain extent.

things seem awkward right now. i don’t understand it, but i think it best i dont push. hopefully things will straighten out and i can have that friend back like i had her. i think as much as i wanted more than a friend, i was never willing to give that up for anything more. if that makes any sense. it could, but i’ve been known to not(make sense).

I want to touch the light inside you

intangible and blinding

I see it every night

tucked in your sigh

hang a noose from off your star

and maybe I can dangle

your south paw smile is killing me

you laugh because you like it

shoot the m-o-o-n

watch it crumble into pieces

shoot the m-o-o-n

watch it smile

shoot the m-o-o-n

i’ve lost the will to struggle

shoot the m-o-o-n

and let me feel your light

open up and let it out

forget the world around you

your gravity on shaky ground tonight

I hear it in your eyes

hang a noose from off your star

and maybe I can dangle

your south paw smile is killing me

you laugh because you like it

shoot the m-o-o-n

watch it crumble into pieces

shoot the m-o-o-n

watch it smile

shoot the m-o-o-n

i’ve lost the will to struggle

shoot the m-o-o-n

and let me feel your light

To read through this blog reads like you’re watching some sort of sick self-defacing skit playing itself out. one minute frighteningly happy, the next scared witless and confused. Not that I have any explanation of any sort to offer you, my reader(s?). It’s been a strange year so far.

Up’s, down’s…and a lot of trivia.

I started the year in excrutiating pain, a pinched nerve in my back handicapping every movement I made. I lost what I thought was a decent friend and roommate. Not that he’s dead or anything (hobbit’s never die, they just get more bitter…and when they cry, the odor lingers).

and after swearing, FUCKING SWEARING, to myself that i would never ever want to fall for someone online.

I did.

I was completely disarmed. I was clearly at a disadvantage in a battle of the wits (I being unarmed). I was helped to the conclusion that i CAN let someone in, and not worry about they wanting to ruin me. now i only have to worry about not being a headcase long enough for her to feel the same, that is, if she can.

Im having trouble speaking. ever since i told her that she has my heart, i dont know what to say. I know she doesnt know what she feels. and its understandable. i remember what i was like after i got out of my last relationship. needless to say, i wasnt ready for another. i have a pretty good notion that she doesnt want to break my heart.

the fun of dealing with other people is, you never really know what they’re thinking. or feeling. or anything. the not knowing what to say comes from not wanting to scare her away. I want to be honest, and am, as horrible as that is. im deathly afraid im going to say something to screw things up. so i clam up. and in turn, feel like im screwing things up.

its almost like i feel… fuck, i dont know what to feel. someone let me know what to feel, please.