Save Lando

i work so hard at trying to make people happy. to make them smile and know they’re cared about.

sometimes i wonder why. i suppose it makes me feel better to know that i made a difference in someones day (and i love that). the wonderment isnt too often, usually when i get down.

sometimes i have a list of questions, and no answers. for every rail and spike a question with a seemingly elusive answer.

am i talking myself into thoughts? as humans, we’re horrible about lying to ourselves to avoid what hurts. am i doing that?

why are things so cloudy? why, when on a sunny day, am i questioning the emergence of oncoming rain? you try not to expect it, but you think you see clouds off in the distance, and would like to put the top up before you get soaked.

it’s almost like you’re ALWAYS waiting for the other shoe to drop. And, always subsequently waiting for the moment it DOESNT.

but when it does drop, is the trick not telling yourself ‘i told you so!’?

the pain.

the deep unbounding pain.

like a million nerves screaming out at once for both help and death. an end.

hello friend, remember me?

3 hours of sleep apparently was enough for my back. so here i am again, the old routine of a mid-night trivia and diary session.

You’re done with. You’re Over.

waking up in pain strong enough to bring tears is not an ideal way to start the day. nor is advil and heartburn the breakfast of champions.

do you feel like I’m over?

it’s hard not to get discouraged at this. i had been doing so freaking well. this has been coming for about a week or so… i think as much as anything, it’s accounted for some moody (only some).

Why Now? I was getting things together. Its too early.

again friends, sorry.

ha! too early. there’s humor in that. your lifelong ‘friend’ was afraid. thought maybe you were trying to wiggle away.

I was.

well, i suppose we’ll see how it goes with me here.

I suppose.

bad habits are forming. again. like dark clouds that bring stormy weather, so goes the path thats forming.

i’m not eating again. i’m not sleeping. i’m moody and more seclusive than normal. i have the shakes.

there are reasons why, but they arent important. wheres a gypsy curse when you need it? but on the other hand…

i’m reading again (thanks again K.). i’m enjoying my wild tangents. i’m happy in my dreams.

now i realize, that perhaps these things are in no way connected. things are just as they are, no rhyme or reason. i’d like to think that all of this is an integral part of some fabulous journey currently owning my life. I don’t. More and more like a bad ‘Passions’ rerun, where I’m Timmy, and boy if things arent fucked up.

Not really. I was thinking (dwelling) at work today, and i decided to plan out things to do. nothing spectacular or grandiose, just normal everyday things to keep me busy. see, when i have a day off of work, and nothing to do, thats when things go bad. always do. thats the pattern. and before anyone has any bright ideas…

no lectures.

when the unconscious mind decides to chime in on the conversation, you know things are ….strange. the dreams lately are interesting, lots of driving. maybe it means something, guess i’ll find out when im not too lazy to look it up.

golden hoops to jump through.

golden noose to fear.

“yes come in. sit down. it’s warm here. safe. you’ll like it for the time being. promise that i do.”

“had thoughts long time. scary thoughts. long time decide to look or not. afraid not strong. afraid weak. weak like sad man.”