Save Lando

ok, so i was reading my new book last night at work. and after about 30 minutes of reading, i put it down and looked at my hands.

thats when i saw it.

BLACK

all over my fingertips. so, i didnt freak or anything, i thought, ah, its just the book. ink. …until i tried to wash it off. it wouldnt come off.

i scrubbed and scrubbed. nothing, the stuff wasnt even lightening up.

so of course, in my graveyard state of mind. started freaking out.

how could i have possibly missed this?

how long has it been there?

jesus i hope it isnt hepatitis.

oh god,…no. it cant be. i have the bubonic plague.

by then, my imagination is running wild with the spreading of the black death. what am i going to do with Holden? etc., etc….

then i dipped my hands in bleach. this, for anyone else with cut cuticles, is not a good fucking idea.

but, my plague went away. go figure.

so yeah, ive been having a horrid time as of late.

but some quick updates,

turns out there wasnt cold pizza on thanksgiving. my father and new mom thwarted my plans for a depressing turkey day.

damn them.

they somehow ended up with no plans for the great day of eating. they invited me to go with them out to eat (which was strange). and…no turkey for me. least not yet. i may have to buy one and cook it myself. dont worry, i know how, im only mostly inept, not totally yet.

and because i was stressed and angry the day before, i slept not thanksgiving eve. first time in a long time ive been so stressed that i couldnt sleep. so i napped after the meal until my sister woke me up.

my sister wasnt even there when i went to sleep. sheesh. and she wonders why i was confused. i guess, that by the time i had woken, my parents had left their own house (me sleeping in guest room still). so my sister badgered me until i went shopping with her.

oh yes, this was such the great idea.

to off we went to gardenridge of all places.

i was wondering if they werent handing out free footrubs and harlequin romance novels. it looked like an estrogen factory did in fact explode. you wouldnt believe the deals!!!! yeah right, maybe its the testicles speaking, but no deal is worth that hell. NO DEAL.

about 30 minutes into our adventure, my sister turns to me and asks me if this is worth it. i was so proud of her. maybe im not adopted. to actually see the logic gene in use. it was a marvel. it was decided that it was not, so we left and went back to the parents new house.

see, i havent been spending any time at home. ok, maybe a few mins here and there, but minimal at best. im very upset with my departing roommates. i figure the best approach is to leave them the hell alone. let them get out and go on with their lives (though i did have a laugh when i heard someone talking about having major money problems over the phone — serves them right).

so i slept at my parents house once, my uncles couch once. wasnt very productive, watched a few movies ive been behind on (shrek; monsters,inc; cannonball run).

i also spent some time with iowa marrieds. old friends, i was best man at their wedding. whenever they visit, im always included in the plans. which is nice. we did the lunch thing, had some alligator tail for the first time. wasnt half bad, but the heartburn was.

and in old lando antics, i asked the location of the nearest pond. i wanted to set the ladies catfish free. she, AGAIN, was unwilling to let it go. i offered the age old “if you set it free, and it comes back to you…”, but wass denied vehemently.

can you imagine being on a golf course, when some guy comes from the other side of the bushes with a take home box. dunps a catfish filet into the lake and wishes it well….

sadly, im HAVING to imagine it because she never lets me. and i ate all my fish, so i had no pull.

i also purchased (i know, but i have the money, everyones been paying my way this week. ha!) a book ive been wanting. cant think of anything else for the moment.

hope you all (except the canadians) had an interesting thanksgiving.

been stressed out the last 24 hours.

got a call early on last night from dr booty to inform me that he and the mrs were trying to get a rental house.

leaving me 7 days to find double my rent, and pretty much screwing me. oh, he also wanted me to know that hes going to check out being a freemason, because he’s searching for a spiritual path in life.

of course, when the lease is up, i had planned on getting another roommate. Machismo. but, with only 7 days notice, im not sure how willing Machismo will be to move in, or whether or not he has any money, it being a month from x-mas.

merry x-mas to me.

it’s things like this that make me regret being anyones friend. you always end up getting fucked in the end.

ALWAYS

so, basically i told him, that there was 4 months left on the lease, and if i cant get machismo in here, I wouldnt sign He and the mrs off the lease.

this of course did not please him.

he first asked if he and his wife could sign each other off the lease. so i know he’s thinking about sticking it to me. then he offered me things to help my decision.

“i’ll give you my remote controlled car! it’s worth $500!”

“i’ll give you my turntables!”

and

“how much money do i have to give you to sign us off the lease?”

and to make matters worse, they dont even know if they have the house they want until tomorrow. if they dont get it, this house will be colder than it is outside.

i cant help but think he’s done irreversible damage to the friendship. he’s proven time and time again in the ten years that i’ve known him: he will never grow up. i thought that maybe marriage and having a child would force him to own up and be a man. but all its seemed to do is teach him new ways to be irresponsible, and cover up the old ones.

stressed out. headache. its freaking cold outside. and i have to go work a graveyard soon. for joy.

so i went to the wedding.

and something i didnt mention. my invite was for ‘Lando & Guest’. of course, i went alone, having no other choice. whats worse, my uncle had a female date

AND HE’S GAY.

nothing like that to make your day feel better, well, that and the flu.

must say i looked pretty spiffy and even got a ‘dapper dan’ comment from my dad (who knows). dont think i have any pics of myself though (decided it best not to photo myself, sure its the only way i can have a picture of myself, but its tacky, right?)

for the most part, was fun. they held it in the old downtown train station, so the building was interesting. and halfway through, a train went by.

and some of my hermit tendencies came out. after we had witnessed the wedding, and eaten our fill. they did the whole dance thing. i stood and watched for a few minutes, taking some pictures, but eventually wondered outside by myself.

watching everyone else dance didnt hold alot for me. something about the whole experience making me lonely. so there i went, moving slowly from spot to spot outside around the steps, tring not to visit ‘the bad place’. and as bad as it sounds, i dont think i was in real danger of going there, just a general melancholy.

i was happy for everyone, it looked like everyone was smiling and having a great time. its not often that we all get together and have that, so it was a welcome sight.

i just wish i wasnt only viewing it…

its early yes, and once again…

i have the wiggins.

i dont know what my deal is. i’m always mortified of social situations. going to any social function is cause for me to run 6 different ways (yay!) all at once.

tomorrow is a wedding.

my stepbrother is marrying a blonde woman. not that its of any consequence, just thought i’d mention it.

and no, i was not, once again, given the duty of best man on 3 days notice. btw Richard. Fuck You. Again. Really. Um, you still paying for my dinner when you visit?

oh well. i cant put my finger on why i trip out over these things. i’ve been trying to come up with something, and the only thing i can come up with is, i’m afraid of rejection. DEATHLY AFRAID. and i dunno, people making fun (i remember that as not so much fun back in the day). the benchmark and trendsetting moment being the last day of highschool, feeling depressed over being through with it, and getting to my car.

instead of the ‘congrats!’, ‘we did it!’ or ’seniors 95!’ written in shoe polish on my car… i got ‘fag’, ‘fat boy’ and ‘1-800-94-Jenny’.

i know, it was 1995, but the person obviously wasnt up-to-date on his weight loss slogans for the year.

so i spent about 30 minutes trying to scrape it off (it didnt want to come off), i couldnt go anywhere, let alone home, with that on my car. Dr. Booty helped me a bit, to where it wasnt legible. i took him home. i drove back home, went into my room, and cryed myself to sleep. no talking to my favorite grandmother and uncle that were visiting for my graduation, no nothing. i spent the night before i graduated high school in my bedroom, hoping i would die.

…

ok, i dont know why i felt the need to tell the story, i know i promised once here though. i dont know if that explains anything about me, or anything about the way i feel. it cut pretty deep that day.

i guess in some way, on many many levels, i’m deathly afraid i’ll turn around and see …

‘1-800-94-Jenny’

(they’ll never learn…and i’ll never forget)