Save Lando

i was reminded of something my sister had told me last week.

she confided in my that my uncles woman buddy didnt know why i was still single. she thought i was quite the catch from what i hear. too bad she’s technically old enough to be my mother. she is still attractive though… nah. never a good thing to hook up with a family friend, it inevitably ends bad, and no one wins (except the nookie fairy). caught her checking out the tuxedoed goods once or twice. was pretty flattered. flattering not fa…n/m. now, she wasnt quite eying me with the hunger fueled intensity of my sisters co-workers, but there was something there. either that or i’m reading too much into things. nah, that never happens.

i spent the greater part of monday running around town with my sister. its not something we normally get to do, but had fun with it. she had to go everywhere to get here name changed. i had no idea it was so involved. makes me glad to know that i’ll always keep mine and never have to deal with that problem. i think it was somewhere in the downtown area of OKC that my sister and i started singing ‘Gin & Juice’. i cant tell you where it came from, but two albino kids in a honda rocking Snoop Dogg was a sight to behold. ok, technically we’re not albino, just very pale, glow in the dark even. so after we told everyone in the free world that my sister was married on saturday (even the people in the mexican burrito serving trade), we went back to her house.

and BP’s sister had developed 7 rolls of film. she brought them over and they were picked through. of the 3 pictures i was in, 2 of them i was eating, and the third i was so far back in the room I was unrecognizable. no. none of you will see any of those. stop pouting, it’s not going to happen. i hope to have some acceptable ones soon. i realized that i have posted far too much this month…

i left with my mother and Joe, but it didnt last long, we had to go back. because my mother had promised earlier to help clean up after, my stepmother had said something about us coming back to help. i didnt hear any of it. i was gathering the forgotten items. my mother started warbling about finding the last of them. i told her to shut up and listen because i knew where it was. she was not pleased. we left with the items, and in the 1/2 mile to my sisters house she managed to piss me off royally. she started bitching and moaning about my fathers wife. i asked her why she was letting it get to her. a woman she was most likely never to see again was pissing her off? i told her it was ridiculous and that she should let it go. was a just comment though, my mother was being selfish (surprise!). i feel i can only say this because, in the last few months we’ve read about certain comments an aunt has made about me. thought i despise every inch of her, i worked hand-in-hand with her on occasion getting this wedding set up. i dont have to be friends with anyone, but if its for a common good, we’re allies in the slightest sense correct? so why wouldnt everyone try to make this weekend as conflict free as possible? its about my sisters happiness. suck it up, act like an adult.

she then decided to throw a hissy. i was taking all the out-of-towners downtown to see the bombing memorial and eat dinner down by the oklahoma city riverwalk. she said that she might just go back to their hotel and go to bed. way to go mom, ruin everyones night. this is a prime example of my moms behavior, she’s like one of those kids who gets pissy and takes all their toys home. everyone loves those kids right? well, fortune smiled upon us (i guess) and her and Joe did go.

we first hit up the memorial. i hadnt actually done anything but drive by it a few times since it was built. i dont have much business being in that area, so my presence was always scant. my uncle was pretty upset by the whole ordeal. not the visiting the memorial, the terrorism thing. it was very well done though, i only wished the chairs were lit, but it was too early in the day. we wondered down to ‘Bricktown’, which is where everything is around here. went to a nice little place for drinks and cajun food on grandma’s coin, had a great time getting re-acquainted with my good friend Jack Daniels. I also got a lecture from my future stepdad (ha-fucking-ha) about emailing and calling my mother more often. i shook it off and thought that when he get’s to 5′6″ tall, he’ll be big enough to ride the critically lauded ride: ‘Lando’s Fist’. till then, he’s gonna have to stick to the teacups like a good little boy.

when we returned to the car, my mother mentioned that she and her man had to run to the store before returning to the hotel. i said i would wait for them there so we could all say goodbye before they had to leave. big mistake. everyone had to be up by 4am, so no one wanted to stay up late. thinking my mother would only run to the store, like she said, for a few minutes, it was no big deal to wait. after alot of talking with my grandmother (and betting $5 that they were drinking at a strip club), and my conveying my frustration at my mothers immaturity (this was about hour 2.5 of waiting), my mother got back. smiles on their faces, it was midnight and i was a sliver away from taking off without telling my mother goodbye. they were at a strip club. had my grandmother not just given me, like, $100, i would have told her to pony up.

i hugged my grandmother and mother a few times, shook Joe’s hand, and left. crying on the drive home. amazing. no matter how much family will get on your nerves and drive you absofuckinglutely crazy, you still miss them when they’re gone. there’s a couple phrases difficult enough to say to people you love enough to make you so nuts. ‘i’m sorry’ is one.

‘goodbye’ the other.

saturday started out the best of all. i dressed, grabbed my tux and headed over to BP and Sis’s house. i sat there watching tv with the best man and groom for about 2 hours. we then left and went to the church. it was the only time in recent memory we had a chance to actually sit and relax. of course, it didnt last once we got to the church, but it was good to have if only for a short time. sports highlights and stacking things on the cat while she slept. where do i sign up?

we were ordered to the church, so went and helped. wasnt too long before all the tuxedoed men were dressing up. i have to tell you, never has there been a gathering such at this. 4 men pimped to the extreme, i’m surprised we didnt request a lock on the door to keep the errant, swooning woman out. ok, maybe there wasnt any, but there should have been. an interesting note, after we were all gussied up, we all decided to use the bathroom. so there we were. 4 urinals. 4 men using them, all in tux’s. i joked that we need someone to take a pic from behind. there was no one to take it, so there was no picture, sorry.

we made our way to ‘the Sanctuary’ for photo’s. cameraman was kind of a dildo, but of well, long as the photos come out good it doesnt matter. even got to threaten BP in one of them, excellent. i had to be in both sets of photos, groomsman and brides family pics, so hopefully theres one or two that i wont detest. the odds are decent, but we wont know until we get them back. my sister really looked beautiful. she made me very proud this weekend. and even now a little choked up about it. just not too often you get an overwhelming sense of pride when it comes to your family (ha, or mine at least), but it came in bundles during the wedding. i was all smiles.

when the pictures were said and done, it was time. the pastor came for us and we went over everything before taking the plunge. we even hassled BP about how many kids they were going to have. that i think, more than anything, made him a little nervous. otherwise, he was cool as a cucumber. was remarkable, i dont know how he held it together without at least one moment of abject fear. we moved in, took our places and watched the girls stroll down the aisle. later on, after the ceremony, BP told his new wife that when he saw her for the first time in her dress, he almost cried because she was so beautiful. he wasnt lying, and its because of things like that, i’m proud to have him as my brother now. he genuinely loves her with everything he has and doesnt make any attempts to hide it.

the girls all get down and in their place, with the flower girl sticking her gloved fingers in her mouth and dropping one petal every 15 feet was just too adorable. she was the levity that kept some of us (myself included) from openly crying. my sister was not one of us. she started crying not long into the ceremony, and even had some tissue ready. tissue she had balled up and eventually tossed onto the ground to take her new husband’s hands (more giggles from the crowd). unity candle lit. my uncle sang some josh groban song, i think it’s called ‘When You Say You Love Me’ (to which, for the second time in as many days, the bridesmaid i mentioned started balling. she later told me that something about that song always makes her cry). the ceremony finshed and we finally had a married couple. 5 years in the making. everyone had a coke and a smile.

so after another grueling photo session, we made our way to the reception. it really was decked out, bang-up jobs all around for the decoratoring aunts, uncles, and moms. the receiving line was made, and i spent another 30 minutes shaking hands and schmoozing. interesting fact? ok, i met some of the women my sister works with. one was very cute and held my interest as long as she was in sight. the other two next to that girl, were two larger black women, one with child. they were all about Lando. could tell by the twinkling of their eyes. you know, that whole ‘giiiiiirl, check out that big slice of beefcake!’ and before someone starts thinking anything about anything they werent my type. one wouldnt speak to me, too shy, and the other was with a child that (swear to god) looked like the missing link. we’ve done the kids thing before, and like before, it would take a really special woman to make me go back to that.

finally, a chance to sit down and rest my tuxedo shoe tortured feet. it lasted all of about 2 minutes. had to move from table to table to appease the family, didnt want to show any favoritism. then more pictures. then i had to run around the church looking to pay the pastor. he bailed before i could find him. then decorating Sis’s car, and hell, i’m blank now. i didnt stop moving until most everyone was gone. thing is, everytime i had a second to stop and eat something tiny like a cheese cube … someone took my fucking picture. so here, in like 10 pictures, i’m eating. what the fuck?!?! this pissed me off a little bit, but oh well. i’m hoping the pictures where i’m not eating far outweight the ones where i am. i’m sure they will, i’m just being silly.

and friday morning comes awfully early. i rush over to the church to help in preperation. double duty friday. one room for the rehearsal dinner and one room for the reception saturday. all alot of work. i spent a few hours lugging tables and chairs around the hallways of the church before hearing from my mother that i wasnt doing anything. wondered when she’d start with that. see, she was in the kitchen cutting cheese and making dips. evidently thats infinitly more acceptable than the men’s jobs. shrugged it off before she started whining about how i didnt thank Joe for paying for dinner the previous night.

i informed her that i had, thanked him again, and made some wicked comment about people ‘keeping score’. one day in town and my mother has already pissed me off. in a church. go figure. meanwhile, because they had purchased a new memory card for their camera (if i had a dollar for everytime i had to hear something about that god-damned camera…), Joe was taking every opportunity to take pictures of EVERYTHING. i wanted to snap him like a twig a few times. all in all, he’s a nice guy, he cares for my mom alot. we got along well 98% of the time, save for a lecture on their last night that i laughed off.

luckily by the time i got good and in a lather, i had to run to the airport. alone. my mother insisted she was too busy to go. was sad really, we havent seem her mom in 4 years. my grandmothers face showed what i was feeling when she learned i was alone. she was very happy to see me (cementing my place as her favorite – yay!), and understood my sister being too busy. later when she saw the 20 people at the church helping with everything, i’m sure it looked even worse. i picked up my grandmother, an aunt, an uncle, and 2 cousins, took them to thier hotel and got them settled in. this was one of the calmer moments of my weekend. i’ve always got along well with my mothers side of the family. they’re a little looser, a little more fun. they also know how to have a good time, even if it involves too much drinking on occasion. it also gave my grandmother an opportunity to engage in her favorite pasttime: slipping me cash. and i have to say, as far as sports go, it’s always been one fo my favorites. i spent as much time with her as i could this weekend. she’s always been my favorite, and i miss her horribly. even got an offer to move up there and stay with her. she kept saying she wanted me to ‘come home’.

its tempting. i love washington state. i grew up there and have a ton of family there, just not my immediate family. just feels like there’s so much more there, to look at and to do. i just dont want to be away from my sister and my father. decisions, decisions. so after a horribly funny scene at a mcdonalds drive through window, they settled in their hotel rooms. funny, their rooms bookended my mothers, and mom was not happy. i went back to the church, helped with the last minute details before the rehearsal and dinner.

the wedding rehearsal was too funny. ok, one of my fears about the whole thing? the night before the rehearsal dinner, we had gorged on mexican food. i was gassy. i was deathly afraid i would fart. ha, i know the subject is kinda yuck, but come on. the last thing i wanted to do was cut one in front of 50-300 people. we rehearsed the ceremony first, with the flower girl getting a shit-ton of “awww’s”. granted, she was too cute and almost stole the show. they were going over what would be said, and practiced a few lines. my sister lost it. she was crying and shaking, then looking at me to calm down. oh sure, look at me! lord knows it might help. so then i started to get weepy. i didnt cry though. welled up a ton. we made it through that with no major incident and practiced our entries. we sat down and watched the girls before it was our turn. when it got to us, we stood.

and it happened. jesus christ it had happened. i was standing up, and i farted. could it be a nice quiet one? we would hope. but no, it was loud enough. the church was so quiet, im sure everyone heard. i didnt ask anyone about it until saturday. BP confirmed, he had heard it, and everyone probably had also. FUCK!!!!!. i wanted to die. can only imagine what was said. i saw the girls giggling about something afterwards, and assumed it was about me. yeah. my sister and the girl i had mentioned in an earlier entry. i suppose there was no chance there though, she brought baldy mcdipshit with her.

and speaking of baldy. still with the moldy-looking scabs on his head, he said hello to me on his way in. he’s the kind of guy who calls everyone ‘brother’. fucking Hulk Hogan syndrome. its sad. oh well. some things are just never meant to be anything.

we finished doing all that, had an awesome italian rehearsal dinner. tons of pictures were taken, sure i’ll post some eventually, and everyone had a good time. there was only one moment that i thought would explode. my father had come over and thanked my grandmother for coming to the wedding for my sister. theres a history there, and a $10,000 dispute that ruined their relationship. i was sitting next to my grandmother when it happened. all i could do was wish i was somewhere else. kind words were exchanged, but all of them fake, and he went back to his table.

when everything was done, we cleaned up and went back to my sisters house. told some stories about our childhood and relaxed. she told a story about how when we were children i took a shit in a trashcan she had to empty. and how she got in trouble for it or something. a completely false story, that made the best man ask a bunch of questions. the dispute was settling wedding day, my grandmother confirmed my side for him, that i DID NOT shit in a trash can.

more still to come, geez, i’m not even to the wedding yet…

Sister Christian and I went thursday to pick my mother and her fiancee up. we made our way to the airport and waited. and waited. and waited some more. we double checked to see if her flight was late. my sister had all the flight information written down. she forgot to bring it. she also had forgotten to bring her cell phone so we could call her man for the info. screw it, we knew what city she was coming in from, and the general time, we’d be ok. Sis had been horrible sick, vomiting all night long and really looking bad. she had gone to some spa the night before and had some deep tissue rubdown. apparently, my sister did not ingest nearly enough water and became ill. felt sorry for the little girl (and anyone who knows her, at 6′ is anything but little. when we were growing up, i used to be scared to death she’d turn out taller than me. no worry, i won.). we decided to troll around the luggage area just in case. so we went downstairs and…

there they were. she at the car rental desk making a line. he sitting down watching on the benches across the lane. we did the obligatory hug and junk. have to after not seeing your mother for 2 years i guess. she waved for her man Joe to come over and say hello. he waved from the chair. all i could think was “great, she’s got a winner there”. my sister and i decide to make the first move (killer instinct in us when i comes to many things i believe. down to the way we flanked him) and walked over, introduced ourselves blah blah. i sat next to him (one seat buffer of course) and we small-talked till the car stuff was done.

all this time, i’m itching to get the hell out of there. see, the Bulletproof Husband (now) was having a bachelor get together at this time. i was forced to be late because of the airport thing. understanding it was my obligation, i did it without complaint, but continued to find clocks to make myself miserable.

when all the car business was finished, we made our way to the rental cars. my sister and i had been taking bets on how tall Joe was. I was right. in the pictures we saw, my 5′6″ mother seemed a bit taller. He is 5′3″. my sister and i had a little laugh at it, and later someone had whispered in confidence “damn, he’s little.” to many a laugh. we’re standing by their car and my sister almost blew the whole deal. she mentioned the bachelor party. this was earlier agreed upon to not mention, as Joe was not invited, and we didnt want that whole bad feelings thing. i left very very shortly after she said it. that left me to get to the party, and my sister stuck dress shopping with my mother. poetic justice, i love it. shopping with my motherwas always something i hated. she almost always has no agenda. it takes forever, you have to listen to her go on and on. KILL ME BEFORE, PLEASE. i was fortunate enough to miss out on the dress shopping, but still got stuck wedding present shopping with her and Joe.

things discovered? Joe’s super cheap. My mother can still make me fucking nuts. but before that, i was somewhere else. wanna go with me there? ok, but you’re buying.

i made it late to the sports bar where everything was going down. it was miles and miles afar from the port of air, so it took a good few to fly there. 3rd inning. we were watching the Cubs game on the bigscreen, drinking, eating, and playing trivia. those that know me will shake their head at that one. apparently, when i had got there, my father and BP were mired in a dead heat trivia game with some guy calling himself ‘Yankee’. this of course could not be. they seemed happy to see me, as i was thought the ringer. this ‘Yankee’ guy must play alot, his point totals for the month of april were so high, he has to spend at least 5 hours a day there. i beat him 2nd game in. he was visibly upset and left after that game. i did my job. played some music on a jukebox and a waitress begged me to just play something. the house country music was intolerable. she was pretty cute, thought it was nice she thought i’d play anything she’d enjoy. weezer, smiths, radiohead. before i left i was going to hand her a fiver and wish her some sanity for a bit, but she was nowhere to be found. DAMNIT. no emails on lincolns that day. so we drank heavily, ate heavily, and left there near-sick but with a 10-5 Cubs win. all was good in the world for a very short time.

ok, the point of making a bridal registry is to tell people what to buy right? maybe i’m somehow cloudy on this, but they go into a store, note the things they want, and its the guests job to buy them. pretty simple. no, it was difficult with my mother. because everytime shed find something on the list, she’d look at it and then think that she would get them something else. something she picked out. lord knows how many times i had to remind her that Sis and BP were more than capable of making their own decisions on what goes in THIER OWN FUCKING HOUSE. so i spent a great deal of time looking at coffeemakers. it was calming, and i got to dream about drinking fabulous cups of coffee. yummy. they compromised and actually bought a few things from the list, and a few not from it. hell, i considered it a victory.

we finish shopping, and were all hungry, so i took them to the best mexican place in town. food was awesome, company was so-so. Joe paid for the meal, i thanked him, we left and went home. the way back filled with me lecturing me mother (quite a sight) on why she wasnt going with me to the airport friday to pick up my grandmother/her own mother. she said she was going to be too busy at the church helping. this right here says alot about my mom, and why i’m disspointed in her sometimes. after about 100 suggestions, she let me drive them back to their hotel. 2 years removed, she had no clue where anything was, and showed it.