Save Lando

finally, a break from this. i had started on a headache that was to last until i went to sleep around 10pm thursday night. but headache or not, i had things i wanted to accomplish before lunch was over. like going to target. ha. i finally got around to purchasing the last dark tower book, and at a 30% discount from store red & white.

grabbed some gum as to not offend with dragon breath, grabbed a bottle of water for the second half of my day, and in a last minute checkout line decision, grabbed one of those espresso-dark chocolate candy bars (but forgot to look for some astin). flirted a little bit with the checkout girl before remembering that i only had an hour to finish my tasks.

grabbed lunch from wendys on the way back and passed the clock to check my progress. evidently i was a bit too efficient, all in all, i had only taken up 17 minutes of time. ended up back at the unemployment center with a full 30 minutes to spare. fuck. i felt like i shot myself in the foot. i wondered in the building about 20 minutes early to eavesdrop on a conversation between the speaker and one of the speakees.

see, one of the women there had some physical problems. she was stricken with fibromyalgia and what sounded like 500 other ailments. she was walking with a cane, and said it pretty much hurt to do anything. that must really suck, i have some friends (abba, gunny, and madill) with fibro, and i feel horrible for them when it acts up. well, i had come back right in the middle of some strange metaphysical discussion. the speaker was talking about feelings and acupuncture points and i even heard ‘japanese shaitzu’ and ‘chinese meridians’ thrown in there for spice.

so in between my intesifying need to burst out laughing, i’m clamoring to hear more. and ok, i was writing it down too. imagine my self-control problems after hearing something like “even though i have this pain in myself, i love and accept myself.” i’ll admit to being a cynic, but how could anyone not get a chuckle out of this pseudo-hippy garbage. i was wondering when they’d start holding hands, tie-die clad with daisies in their hair, singing Kumbaya and checking each other for body lice.

i suffered through the last 3 hours of the day with the speaker only mentioning twice that i was ‘quiet’. i tried to explain that i’m that way naturally, unless i get really excited or know you well. he suggested joining some organization known as ‘toastmasters’, which is a public speaking group. i shrugged it off on my way out, happy to have washed my hands clean of such an experience. went home with a pounding head, and proceeded to stay away from everything and everyone for the next 48 hours.

this past thursday i had another appointment with the unemployment orafice. i was told at a previous meeting that had i expected to get any more checks, i was to attend all day thursday for a workshop on writing/fixing my resume and interview tips.

so thanks to an early morning (7:30 am. early for me damnit.) wake-up call, i was insured against the disaster of oversleeping through my workshop (thanks again). i walk into the place with a half-smile, remembering a suggestion from ‘the Swede’ to pick up chicks there. remembering my last trip there, i was quite convinced there would be NOTHING of interest in the female persuasion for me to gawk at. i was wrong, the redhead from before was there, and whereas i found her horribly annoying, she was ok to look at. i’ve always had this weird little thing for the fair fire-haired. there was also some wannabe cosmotologist who wasnt too shabby, but ultimately an utter moron.

one of the first things i notice about my unemployed counterparts is that the group from the previous week had been whittled to half. not surprisingly, most of the dirty people didnt show, and aside from the man in the back row, i’m guessing that everyone had taken a shower before they came (hooray!). we started off the day with a brief introduction before being paired off, and surprise, i got mr. stinky. he was some construction guy who was wearing a st louis cardinals hat (figures). so i’m paired up with mr stinky, i’m sitting next to mr annoying, is my luck horrible or what?

the man i was sitting next to had all kinds of degrees and was a mechanical engineer. not sure if this was a proven title, or that maybe a self-given one after builing the taj-mahal out of popsickle sticks one fine summer day. he interrupted the teacher constantly, talking about his business and blah blah. yeah we should listen to him, he with all these degrees and tons of experience in business who is, like us, collecting unemployment. ’shut the fuck up old man, your babbling is just extending how long we have to sit in this damned room.’

and after our little pairings we were made to do a little public speaking. i dont know how any of you feel about public speaking, but i loathe it. it’s not so much anymore that i’m shy (which i was, and horribly in my youth), it’s just that its taxing. i still have to psyche myself for it, and i’ve been more than a little prone to making a snide remark or two in jest (go figure right?). i had to remember everyones name in the room that had spoken before me, and coincidently, was the only one to pronounce all of them correctly. right after that excercise in following directions, we went on to this self-affirmation mad libs crock that was starting to make me feel like i was wasting my time. i wanted to tell the speaker “listen here buddy, if i can leave the house, i dont need all this shit.” we soon after got a lunchtime assignment (which was finished by me a good 30 mins before lunch), and were dismissed.

more later…

i forgot to mention in my last post. i, for some god awful reason started singing when we got back from shopping. no, not the lotion song, i started singing “i’m all out of love, i’m so lost without you” which i guess is an Air Supply song (‘Machismo’ knew who it was. bet he’s hiding his Air Supply box sets better than he’s hiding his porn). he survived my brief R.E.O. Speedwagon stint also. cant say what my problem is with the music lately, but its alot of fun.

so much news. Britney got married (hope you signed a prenup honey), and locally, Macaulay Culkin was arrested. thats right in my very own city. what the fuck was he doing in oklahoma city you ask? i think thats anyones guess, but at least he was doing it in style. prescription drugs and a bag of weed proves that he should never have been left home alone. ha! (i havent heard anyone say it yet, so its still fresh)

ok, i’ll stop. seriously though…why is it that my city cant make the news for anything positive? celebrity drug charges, federal buildings getting explodey, and all that junk. and whats with Macaulay’s pic there? he looks less like a criminal and more like one of those kids in the special olympics who just lost the discus competition. dont worry macaulay, everyone still gets a trophy little guy. i’m wondering what kind of fun he had in our county jail. you think he was there long enough to be gang raped by hoodlums? yeah, me neither. damn. there goes our claim to fame and our new sign for a welcome to the city.

“Welcome to Oklahoma City, home of the latest Macaulay Culkin sodomy.”

hey, its either that or “home of the worlds best calf fries.” either way, i think we still lose (unless you’re big on eating testicles). its not much, but its home. guess that living in a place that may not live up to everyones expectations is a bit like owning a used car, or being married. sure, might not be the best thing in the world, but its paid for (except for the wife, you never finish paying those things off).

the pizza delivery dork shows up about 40 minutes later, when expected. cool. food. he’s this tall fat guy who looks like he shouldnt be dealing with the public, and bonus, his whole right hand is in some sort of cast. he cant really handle his pizzas to pass them over, so i, being the extremely nice guy i am, get them for him and give him something like a 3 dollar tip. i always tip well. as i’m going to shut the door he starts talking. i figure that it might be something important, like “listen mister, that pizza is hot, so you should be careful!” but, um, not quite.

he shows me his cast again and blurts something out like “this is the best thing that ever happened to me” so i stand there confused, trying desperately to cognize what exactly the fuck was going on. he then moves on to “see, i stopped to get extra change before i got here because the girl that gives change is hot” only a blank stare from me before “she said she’d give me a massage later on tonight, so thats pretty cool” and about then i’m looking for hidden cameras and/or rod serling. i can understand this conversation happening HAD I ASKED about his hand. what the fuck kind of person starts conversations like that with random people?!?!?!

‘machismo’ and i decided to go grocery shopping. hell, the food we had here wouldnt feed anyone, unless they sustained themselves on kool-aid packets and dry macaroni. hey listen, this is what happens when all the frozen pizzas and ramen runs out. i can cook, but why bother, cooking for one only serves to bring out the big bad ‘d’. so we go, and for 90% of the trip, everytime ‘Machismo’ put something in our shopping cart, i would have to hum “it puts the lotion in the basket”. he was not amused, and threatened to punch me ‘in the nose’ if i didnt stop. and for clarification, he did not buy any lotion, i just got a kick out of saying it for everything he put in the basket.

“ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh”