Save Lando

i had a few people looking for sleepwalking disasters, when fat people attack, room raiders, and the weiner world girl. not sure why people look for these weird things, or much less end up here for them. i’m sorry to dissapoint, but even if the weiner world girl were here, i wouldnt be sharing her with you. we’d be too busy doing the ‘weiner thing’.

did you get that one? the ‘weiner thing’? you sure? i meant FUCKING. and as crass as me saying that sounds, i’d be quite the gentleman and let her pick her favorite condiment (condemn-nent?) holy shit, i’d better stop before someone gets hurt. well, what would you rather i write about? gambling? ok. so ‘Machismo’ and i, yet again found ourselves in casino-town (can you say another mistake?). i think this visit lasted all of 30 minutes. he gambled away double what he had planned on, and all of his gas money, and for the first time, he lost more money than i did. woohoo! he actually gambled away (like a dumbass) all the money he had on him, after swearing to only gamble a certain amount. i threw down yet another $20. i figured why not make it a nice even $100 total? ok, so maybe ‘Machismo’ wasn’t the only dumbass…

and jagerbomb had a date saturday night. after telling senor hobbit she was going out to dinner with a friend, some funny things happened. they went to dinner and had a good time, then went to a local club. not 20 minutes after they get to the club what happens? the hobbit shows up alone. she’s pretty much busted. or is she? hobbit sits down with them and hangs around them ALL NIGHT. say what? you just bust your girlfriend out with another guy, on what had to be considered a date in any sense of it, and its ok? you’ll just hang with them and watch them dance all night?

not sure where on the pathetic-o-meter that ranks, but i’m guessing somewhere in the red. i was told that the day before, he had talked about killing himself. he even grabbed a knife and held it to his chest but wouldnt do it. he wanted his woman to do it. what a fucking spaz. and the day after the date, he decided to start cutting himself for attention. they had a fight over going to the mall. (i get the play-by-play) later running around the house crying and making shallow cuts on his arm, finally admitting later on that he ‘just couldn’t do it’. yet he doesnt have any mental problems. no, not a one. everyday i thank my lucky me’s that i dont live with that psycho anymore.

wow, all that and absolutely nothing about me? excellent.

hopefully most of you understood that the sweaty nuts thing was a joke. my ‘huevos rancheros’ are no sweatier than norm. and no, they’re not normally sweaty. what the hell, why you gotta make this about my testicles? what gives you the right? sure there was that one time when my balls hurt, but thats not even related to this. you, as a third party, are thinking entirely too much about my twins.

‘Jagerbomb’ came over last night while ‘Machismo’ was gone. she wanted to know if i was busy, and if not, if i’d want to go out drinking with her and a few friends of hers. normally, i think on it a few minutes and decline. my debilitating shyness just wont allow me to leave the house and do these things. this time, i asked one question:

“you driving?”

turns out she was, so in a complete contrast from my normal behavior, i said fuck it and went. again, foreign territory. whats funny about it? ok, the hobbit hates me with a fiery passion. his soon to be ex dragged me out drinking, in his car. where was the hobbit? he was at home watching ‘Jagerbomb’s kids. pretty humorous now that i’m on this side of things, and that there was no activity between me and jagerbomb. and, i ate all his altoids.

i get there, and theres only one of her friends there. John. ok, a guy, but he was pretty cool. i half expected to meet the woman ‘J-B’ was trying to hook me up with. not so. strange. there was a period of the night i had wondered off by myself, i think it was during drink #3. i was feeling a little bit outcast, knowing only one person there. you dont want to be selfish and demand attention from said person, so you let them have a good time, and try to have one yourself. i ended up playing some stupid electronic game for 45 minutes, further distancing myself from any social behavior. at this point i was angry at myself. i always do that shit. minimal effort as not to get hurt, with no fun as a result. at this point, i’m such the fucking loser.

for the first time in a long time, i made a conscious effort to get back in the mix. the people were interesting, and i had no problems with getting to know them better. of course, when i do this, a seat at the bar opens next to them, and it made drinking that much easier. jack and cokes 4 – 8+ (lost count after 8. which sounds like alot, but i wasnt really drunk. ok, maybe a little. hell, i rarely drink anymore anyway) came and went quickly, a strange thing was happening. i was enjoying myself. started chatting up a female friend of jagerbomb, and she was pretty cool, but it wasnt long until i was ‘Mr. Shoulder’ again. must be something about me. my hair? my face? i got to listen to her talk about some guy who was flitting around the bar like a good little man-whore. she’s sprung on him. turns out he’s something of a local professional wrestler. i was told this, and commenced insane laughing. all i could see was a luchador mask and a cape. in true amatuer fashion, i spilled a little of my drink laughing. damn.

closing time came, and we all exchanged pleasantries, with me being urged to come back again. nice to feel wanted i suppose. well, its a hell of a lot better than hearing “dont bring him back, ever”. nice to hear when you finally decide to leave your house in fear of not actually being pathetic. we somehow manage to get back here to my apartment (no idea how, we were laughing so hard on the way back, i’m surprised we didnt t-bone someone), and i shuffled off to bed not remembering that the air condittioning is still on the fritz. great. so heres a mental image for you:

6 am, me 95% naked holding an icepack to the nape of my neck to cool down.

yeah, it sucked, but at least i woke up without a hangover. woohoo!

in a fit of boredom last night, i decided to rent fahrenheit 9/11. it was entertaining, and if i hadnt already made up my mind years ago, it would have made me really think on voting. more fun than the actual movie, was watching ‘Machismo’s face. he was in awe, and it made for entertainment seeing him think something through for once. what? that wasnt supposed to be as mean as it sounded. it was a movie, and whereas i saw a few flaws in it, i was entertained. fahrenheit 9/11 was probably just teetering on the actual documentary fence, but i guess we dont have to tell everyone that.

in an effort to save money on the electric bill, it was decided that we no longer need air conditioning this year. i’m not sure that i shouldnt have waited another few weeks before making that decision. its been in the 80’s here this week, and humid, and my pants are cooking enough soup in this house to make campbells fucking jealous.

mmm mmm good? not likely, but i will sue if they steal my idea. its seriously like a sauna in here. i’ve left my bedroom window open, in hopes of circulating air. it’s only a matter of time before my neighbors get tired of me watching a fistfull of dollars, or whatever the movie of the day will be in the coming days. we’ll skip porno’s and not draw fans to my window hoping for a peek into heaven.

dreams about robots and ghosts have haunted me this week (har). after the latest deluge of fucked up night plays, i’m almost willing to go back to the old standby of spies and trains. bring on the intrigue! watched the Day After Tomorrow today. eh. it was ok. lacking in some plot points for length reasons, and a little special effects heavy for my taste. worth the watch, just glad that i didnt spend any money renting it. doesnt sound like a ringing endorsement does it? guess it isnt.

last night, we (‘Machismo’ & I) decided that we were bored. yet again. what to do on a thursday night close to midnight? sure we could hit up a bar or something, but neither of us were in the mood to drink away problems, or spend some money on the forthcoming hangover. of course, once you rule out clubs, bars, and pool halls in oklahoma city, there’s not alot left to do. i mean hell, its thursday, what do you expect? exactly, not a whole bunch, until ….

why the hell not. i’ve never been to vegas, or any casino in my life, so how could i turn down this experience? hell, how could i pass up anything that involves leaving the house? so we went. spent all in all 3 hours there, playing slots. we would have tried anything else, but we’re in oklahoma, so theres no real gambling here ladies and gentlemen. damned if we arent still trying to get the lottery bill to pass.

it was pretty much exactly the way i’d thought it would be. dark, smoky, and filled with people i didnt want to touch me. not even accidently. maybe i should have rethought that, there was one or two women there that could have easily convinced me to play their slots. oh come on, it was easy and too funny to lay off of. lord knows i wasnt having any luck with the ones that would have paid me (not that i have any luck at all with the others also). went through about $40 before i decided to hang it up for the night. of course my roomie was up and down all night, at one point quardupling his money, then wasting it trying to get more. he came out +$1.30, which made me laugh more than if he had lost anything.

theres talk of hitting up a different one tonight, and the strange thing is, i’m more than up for it. loose slots (either) are as tempting as water to a thristy man (and boy howdy is that right).