Save Lando

well then. the day after. i hope everyone had a fine turkey day, ate alongside family until you burst, and then ate some more. i know i found myself eating way too much, and bringing hope way more than i ever expected. now if i can only keep myself from devouring a certain pecan pie in one sitting, i will chalk it up as a modern miracle. i will praise allah, buddha, and the man jesus; or not. i do likes me some pie.

i woke yesterday not knowing where i was going to be (if anywhere). ok, maybe thats not entirely true. my resolve of not going to my brother-in-laws parents house had been weakening against the alternative of me staying home. after about 4-5 hours of bad, bad post-drinking sleep, i was woken by my sisters telephone ring. and i still contend to this day, phone calls are one of the worst ways to wake up. i folded like a weak plastic chair under me, and assented to thanksgiving in a foreign land. one catch. i had an hour to get ready and get there.

what the fuck? one hour? thats not nearly enough time to choke one out, shower, check my email, and get dressed. shit, on holidays i’m supposed to be able to wake up and take it easy, not this insane rush that didnt matter in the end. i bet ‘the Swede’ had plenty of time to relax. i bet she woke up at the ass-crack of dawn, ran to her tv so she could ‘flick her bean’ to images of giant inflated garfields and snoopys floating their way down Broadway thanks to Macy’s. seriously, Swede, your Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade fetish is fucking weird. (porno for you)

the rest of the day consisted of turkey, football, and pie. oh, and there was a game of trivial pursuit mixed in there. we finally convinced sister christian to play one. we paired up into teams, i with my father, she with her husband, and my stepsister (kinda?) with her know-it-all husband. was like turkeys to the slaughterhouse i tell you, and i dont see us playing it again without any protest. i may have to throw a game or to by dumbing it down if i dont want any problems. its strange, my family loves games. i guess we’re super competitive because every family get-together seems to center around playing a game, or watching a game.

all-in-all, i’d have to say it was a pretty good thanksgiving. hell, no one died, i left my apartment, and my nose didnt get bloodied (like thanksgivings passed), so it had to be halfway decent. i do believe the Iowegians are in town this weekend, so i’m not sure where i’ll be dragged off to (but am not ruling out a quick run to dallas for porn for the 100th time. anyone need anything while i’m out?).

i just got home from another wednesday night bar sojourn. things were a little different tonight. Jagerbomb got both ‘Machismo’ and Dr Booty to come. machismo’s been with us, and that was cool, but i should have declined the night out after i was informed of the 4th parties presence. by then it was already too late, and things were set in stone, we’d just have to cope with the docs antics.

i had a pretty shitty night. i could not drink enough booze to fend off the headache or annoyance from hearing about another club that we had to go to, because there was alot of pussy there. not just normal pussy, guaranteed pussy. before we picked him up, i asked them how long it would be before we had to listen to this other club bullshit. see, i’m no dummy. the doc likes to dance, drink, and philander. the man is married, with a child in diapers, and one in the oven. doesnt keep him from obsessing over any hole that passes by him though. turns out, we didnt even make it to the bar before we had to hear it.

and even after blowing all his money on beer, he insisted we go to where there was assured pussy waiting. he must have asked a good 100 times. thats not an exaggeration, i promise. it pretty much ruined my night. i wondered off, played some pool, and just tried to stay away from him. i’ve known the man for going on 12 years, and he never ceases to amaze me with how much of a fucking scumbag he is. he was panhandling at the bar to pay for the cover at the other club. classy. Jagerbomb got upset, i was upset, she spent a good deal of the night apologizing to me and promising that the dr wouldnt be invited again. from her lips to ‘gods’ ears.

after finally realizing his pursuit was pointless, he set about hooking himself and machismo up with some chicks. when he came over to the bar bragging about getting M hooked up, i pointed to the table and asked which one was M’s. “the fat one, duh!” he could have said anything else and i would have been cool with it. she was very cute, but yeah, was a little overweight. no biggy on my part, but hey, it wasnt me. in the end, M didnt remember the girls name (and is expecting a call from her that i’m probably going to have to screen), and the dr got a semi-address. semi-address meaning an apartment complex in a nearby city, and the cryptic “apt f”.

ok, here my problem. well, one of the many i had tonight. the ‘fat girl’ comment. i’m a fat guy. hey, i wont sugarcoat it. but do people not know what that does to a person? being referred to as ‘the fat one’ instead of ‘the one with the cute smile’, ‘the blonde one’, or ‘the one in the black shirt’. why bother with any of those? hell, she’s the fat one, but shes good enough to fuck i guess (once). i’m just fucking disgusted with people right now. everyone. i had to listen to this other club garbage for HOURS. i got to hear about how its so different there, and how people are cool, and theres nothing to worry about. shit, i’ve heard all that before. i’ve been to clubs where i’ve been ridiculed, FUCKING RIDICULED for being overweight. these were the so-called ‘cool’ clubs, where no one was supposed to judge me. christ, and people wonder why i was depressed all the time.

skinny friends that will never know whats its like to be overweight. never have to carry that burden (har), and try to maintain some semblance of a normal life. i feel like i’m a goddamned social retard. i may make that joke alot, but deep down, i fucking believe it. its all so easy for some people. lifes one big game, and everyones happy. no ones wades through a fucking cesspool of shit they call life, no ones left out, no one struggles with anything. forgive me if i’m not making much sense, half-drunken 3 am rants are not my strong-suit.

we leave the bar, and are bombarded with the dr’s requests to find this girls apartment. “its in midwest city. in an apartment complex. apt f. cmon, lets go, i can get us an afterparty.” we are annoyed so much by it, that we went, just so we could try to drop him off. no luck. he wanted to drive around the city until we found the right one. then when i started suggesting names, he agreed that what i said might be right. know what i said? the fucking street that he lives on. he wasnt even coherent enough toknow his own address. we decided to take him home, amidst him begging for a cell phone to call information. he had the girls first name, and in his mind, that was enough to find her phone number. lord knows theres only one Carol in the oklahoma city metro area.

so Carol, if you’re the one from Henry Hudsons Pub, get in contact with me, his wife and kids are out of town, but only for a short while.

last night, ‘Jagerbomb’ was over here talking about her new main squeeze. after close to 2-3 hours of non-stop chatter about him, she stopped…. then asked me what i thought of him. i’m not sure why i got so big a kick out of it. in my head all i heard was “but enough about what i think of him. what do you think of him?”, so its natural i blurt out laughing. right? its ok, i’ll just give her shit about it anytime i see her.
and today, during my 8 hour football thing, my mother called. wonderful. i’ve spoken before on how much i enjoy talking to my mother. i imagine it being as much fun as a thorough physical done by a doctor with massive knuckles. ok, maybe not as much fun, but they’re right there, neck-in-neck. get this. after saying hello to her, the first thing she says? “you need to move here!”. ok, since she decided to pack up and leave her kids for some internet boyfriend in virginia, almost everytime we (sister christian & I) talk to our mother, she says this. invites us to move there so we can live with her. yeah. like we’re fucking 12 years old again or something. we ignore it, tell her ‘no thank you’ to be polite. tonight, i almost told my mother to fuck off.

thats very strange for me. i dont even swear in front of my parents or grandparents, i always thought it disrespectful. and hell, it doesnt keep me from swearing like a sailor everywhere else to make up for it. see, my mother not only asked me that one time to move there, but insisted on asking me every 30 seconds, and then decided to make an argument for it. “you can come here and live in our new place, all you’d have to pay for is your food.”; “(her mans name) can get you a job here working with him. it’s internet technology, so you’d enjoy it.”; “i work 2 blocks from where we live! i even walk to work.” then about 4,000 blood vessels in my eyes and brain exploded. my mother has never done anything to calm me, or make me feel any more comfortable. if anything, i’ve been the adult in the relationship (for the most part). she’s been playing the favorites card since she and my father divorced, and was pretty upset when my sister and i decided we werent choosing between the two.

plus seriously. her boyfriend is damn creepy. he’s like 13 years younger than my mother and 6 inches shorter (she’s 5′6″). he’s like 8 years older than i am!!!! jesus, that would be a fucked up living situation. then she bugs me about thanksgiving. someone save me. so i dont have thanksgiving plans, its not really a massive deal. my father and his wife are doing t-g with her family, my sister and her husband will be with his family, and i’m the odd man out. its not the end of the world, thought when talking to my mother, you wouldnt have come to that conclusion. i’ll just snag a turkey sandwich or something, no big.

ok, its going to suck ass.

“the mysterious side of your nature makes you most alluring.”

or at least thats what my fortune cookie said, do me a favor cookie? yeah, go tell every woman you see this. ‘machismo’ and i decided to go get some thai food yesterday. theres a nice little place about 200 yards from here that specializes in such, so we stopped in. it always takes about 15 minutes to get our shit ready, so i talked the roomie into going into a neighboring comic book shop with me. one i’m not sure i’d written about before.

see, a few years ago, an ex and i decided to go in because she didnt believe that the guys in there were as pathetic as i explained. being an old (long retired) comic dork, i knew that would stare and whisper, and basically be amazed that a guy that would go in there, would bring a woman. i won. word for word, it was like i was psychic. scary huh?. i guess that i knew enough of them to know the reaction.

so we went in to have a look around. not interested in buying anything, but extremely interested in checking out the ‘dork cave’. we drive past this place nightly and see the lights on after midnight, the store full of lost men, rolling dice, and getting no closer to being with an actual woman. we werent really bothered until we wondered into role play alley, or whatever it was. some giant model of a cityscape, complete with figurines from the boxes on the wall. warhammer 40,000 i think. it wasnt until we were within a foot or two of it that we were chatted up by a near-30 y/o guy that i would have guessed, hadnt showered or shaved in a week.

“hey guys, is there anything i can help you with?” – him

“no thanks, we’re just having a look around.”

“cool. this is all pretty awesome isnt it? all these pieces here and on that shelf over there (gesturing) are STILL in play.” – him

” (uncomfortable) cool man.”

“we had this GIANT battle with over 26,000 points on each side!” – him

“um, thats alot (?)”

“heck yeah! so you guys play 40k?” – him

and at this point, ‘machismo’ started giggling to himself, and i was having a tough time keeping a straight face.

“nope.”

and right about then, he didnt say anything and basically wondered off, seeking to become content in his fantasy world once more, not knowing that there are other things outside those dirty glass doors. poor guy. we left quickly, grabbed our thai food, and laughed about it all the way home. later that night i got to listen to ‘Jagerbomb’ yak and bother me about dating. “we need to get you a date!” ugh. because shes all back into the dating world i have to be too? i’m sure its the fix-all for everyones problems, if everyone could have a date, the world would be a better place. yeah right. what about that hapless comic/ roleplayiong dorks? being a 40 year old virgin isnt cool is it? why isnt she trying to help them?

annoyance tonight.

first off, this is the second time i’ve had to type this shit out. that bugs me. also. ‘Machismo’ decided that he was bringing his son and his baby’s momma over to set up a x-mas tree in our living room. good, fun, family times. loud family times. so loud, that the exile to my bedroom for a night of ‘for a few dollars more’ was interrupted umpteen times so the little boy could come in my room and terrorize Holden. wonderful. i gave up on the movie after an hour, deciding that no movie was better than seeing 2 minutes before having to pause again.

somewhere along the line, the child started screaming and crying for some assorted reason, and 30 minutes later, the family left. dont get me wrong, i love kids, but i think it was the parents that were driving just a tad bit more nuts. maybe i developed a more understanding parenting method when i ’sort of’ had kids, but i dont think its acceptable for a mother to say things like “oh look, you’re crying like a little girl again. stop crying like a little girl!” & “look at mommy’s little sissy!”. i give the kid 17 years before grows up a little more with that kind of parenting, saves up some money for a set of bedsheets, and eventually joins ‘the Klan’ or ends up atop a clock tower somewhere.

Lando’s stress-o-meter isnt exactly at a safe level right now. first, i’m getting towards the ass-end of my unemployment bennies, and need to be working soon. very soon. hell, for my sanity i need to go back to work. also, i was told recently that ‘machismo’s baby’s momma is being told that she has to move in a few months. shes been living with her sister for a few years now, and since she hasnt paid once cent in rent or utilities, her welcome has been worn out. this is going on about tax return time. so when i was told that, i instantly had a seed implanted that she’ll be working on ‘machismo’ to move in with her so a) he can pay the bills & b)she can finish the job she started 6 years agao, and drive him completely fucking insane. so this woman that has done nothing but give poor ole ‘machismo’ the cold shoulder since the baby was born, and is garnishing his check for $400 a month; let him have a little. sure, why not right? to me it sounds suspicious, to him it sounds like nookie. looks like i may be looking for a place solo in a couple of months. better save up some money…

that is unless one of you wants a guy who cooks and cleans around your house. anyone? sorority houses get first crack. (yeah, like i could even take that)

that pesky Wesley…