Save Lando

more things heard recently.

“mother…fuck….spina bifida”

i said this after i smashed a finger in a door at work. not sure exactly why the spine disease made its way into my swearing vocabulary, but it seemed funny a few minutes later. the co-worker that heard me say it just looked at me strange, the blank stare you get when you say something the other person doesnt understand.

“i’m going to scare the bajeezus out of her bajina”

mumbled as i was set to jump out and scare a co-worker. see, i have this thing about making work not boring, so i find all sorts of dumb things to do to keep it lively. some activities involve hiding peoples keys, scaring people, and making odd items out of other odd items. i pepper in a little work here and there and my day is complete. after 10 months of being out of work, i actually like being there. that old dread of having to go to work and feeling a little ill before is gone. i get up for it, most days.

and finally, the dream i had last night:

i was working at a coffee shop in dowtown OKC (which is weird because i’ve had that one twice recently, and i really dont delve into the city all that much). for some reason, we served coffee and corn dogs just off the OCU campus. i worked with an old guy that reminded me of abe vigoda and a thick black woman who didnt remind me of anyone. little work here and there, but by the end, i was in the bathroom with said female co-worker getting a little oral treatment in a bathroom stall. she was also holding corndogs in the air at the time, one in each hand. no friggin’ clue what any of it means.

i keep coming across a blog titled “another man’s meat”. i’m not the least interested in reading anything it has to offer, i don’t care what its about. so instead of talking about my own meat, lets write about some interesting things i heard lately. be it out of my mouth or into my ears, things of note that made me smile…

“dude! i just got 47 seconds at daytona!”

from ‘Machismo’. calling me at work to tell me about his playstation 2 game. see, he’s been off work with an injured back all week. so to alleviate his boredom, he’s been playing video games. i guess in a moment of glee, he had to share his numbers with me. after he told me, i waited a second, still in half-shock. i asked him if thats all he called for, and he said yes. i then told him that i would call him back shortly to tell him he’s a fucking dork. it did, however, keep me smiling until i got off of work.

“i remember those. they came in a snazzy little box.”

me talking to a co-worker about something or another. after i said it, i had to pause and smirk, obviously amused at my double-entendre. she looked at me for a ssecond and asked what i was giggling at, so i guess it went over her head. likely for the better. i’m not sure if i’m a giant perv for getting something naughty out of what i said, but if so? guilty as charged.

“PUT IT IN HER A$$!”

me screaming through the ceiling at my neighbors friday night. they were having very loud intercourse, again. i decided to help them along by offering a suggestion. did they take my advice? who knows. my roommate said that after another minute or two, the noises stopped. i’d like to think that in a small way, i was involved. and hey! i didnt even have to shower afterwards. awesome.

its strange. now that i’m working again, i’m much better about updating this thing. before, when i had all the free time in the world, i was horrible. i’d go two, sometimes 3 days without even looking at it. i think we’ll have to blame it on me doing more than just jobhunting. now i almost feel like i’m on some sort of regimented schedule (pronounced: shed-yule) allowing me to pattern in which to arrange tasks both menial and enjoyable.

i was at work the other day, in the bathroom. a customer comes in while i’m washing my hands and talks to me while he’s taking a piss. this bothered me greatly. see, i dont like people talking to me while i’m pissing, it disturbs me. its like theres a fine line of good taste, and speaking to me while i’m doing my business is crossing that line. i thought it to be a commonality, but evidently, its not. i wonder if these people like to have a nice little chat when they’re pitching the deuce. i used to have this subconscious fear that when i telephoned someone, they’d talk to me while using the toilet. i know, its dumb, but i dont want to get THAT personal with anyone. grunting and groaning while talking to me is fine and dandy on any normal occasion, but if there’s feces involved? no thanks.

and last night, ‘Machismo’ gave me a lortab. it’s been awhile since i had any to ingest on a recreational basis, so i was pleased. for a little while, until my body freaked out. i got a little weird, in a good way, and went to bed happy. i was a little warm but didnt think anything of it. so i layed in bed and listened to that album i mentioned a few days ago (dissapointing, a regression in her music, i say), and wished for sleep. it didnt come, not for 5 hours. i layed in bed, sweating and wondering what the hell was wrong with me. at 3 am, i rolled out of bed and turned on the air conditioner. i couldnt take it anymore. i was stripped down to just boxers, and even that seemed like it was too much. machismo was not at all pleased when he woke up, very very cold. i could hear him bitching in the hallway “WHAT THE FUCK?!?! THE AIR CONDITIONER?!?! ITS FUCKING FREEZING IN HERE!!!!” i got a little laugh out of the exchange and finally managed to nod off in the area of 5:30 am.

i apologize to the ladies i offended yesterday. it was not my intention to insult everyone with a vag, only the offending parties. it does seem, more often than not, to sway more towards my example than yours. i changed the wording from “all” to “most” shortly after my post. most everyone here that i keep in contact with has proved to be fine examples of decent people (not counting that stalker bit last year, who incidently tried to re-add me to messenger and emailed me at x-mas AGAIN wanting to just be friends. uh huh, sure, whatever).
and surfing around, seeing these sites that do design are interesting, until you see the prices. maybe its just me, but for $150 it should do something special, like get up and blow me.

i went over to my sisters house sunday night. it was her husbands birthday party (sort of). just a little family get together for dinner and a couple games, as those are usually safe and easy for any celebration. so i went over, helped with some shopping beforehand and hung out. i cant recall exactly how many times i found myself watching television alone in the living room because the conversation in the group had moved to church-talk. it always does. i suppose that church is a giant part of my other family members lives, and talking about it comes naturally. so i didnt really have a problem sitting off by my lonesome, but i was starting to have a problem with the constant “Lando, why dont you come in the other room with everyone else?” probes.

i’ve come to grips that i’m the outsider in my own family. i’m respectful of their needs and ceremonies, and have even gone to church a few times to show family solidarity, so why is it that i dont seem to get the same respect? for the most part, they leave me alone. but on occasion, it seems like i walked into the ‘church intervention’ room. “you know you can always come to church with us if you want”. it’s human nature to sell that awesome high to others, but is it so bad that it bypasses common sense and respect? do you think they’re running around preaching to muslims that pork is awesome and if they switch, they can eat all they want? ok, maybe thats a bad example (only because i see that happening).

it’s late monday night, and i believe my interweb has been cut off. nice. i’m more than slightly angry that my payment has been lost or shuffled around somewhere, and not applied to my account. so now, i’ll have to make a special trip to see them as soon as possible (Tuesday morning 10:30am). i mailed from my apartment complex, through the apartment complex’s mailbox January 16th.. now, since that payment has dissapeared, i’m afraid that maybe the mail here isnt being picked up or something. i’m probably just paranoid, but after putting my car insurance and my telephone payments in it, i’m going to worry until i know better. if need be, i’ll take a prybar to that bitch and liberate my bills.

i can see me standing on top of a group of mailboxes flailing wildly, waving around a giant metal spear and screaming a high-pitched war cry. i can see me driving my war wagon straight into the mailbog stronghold, hoping just to make a sizable dent in the eater of my life payments. and sadly, i can see me being arrested for doing all of these, pleading with the local constable: “but it’s got my money!”. it was bad timing on the disconn though, i was ten songs into the new Tori Amos album and getting excited about it. i hate cox communications. i went in, and they just received my payment. today. 9 days after i mailed it to a local address. bullshit.

‘Machismo’ screwed up his back. he’s been home from work for 3 days and might need an MRI soon. poor guy. i can sympathize considering my fairly recent back woes (and i wouldnt complain if he wanted to share his ‘happy-fun-time’ pills).

and it looks like ‘the Hobbit’ received a couple thousand clams from the sale of dead relatives estates. ‘Jagerbomb’ has already managed to free him of a pile of cash and many gifts. if the lady doesnt want you, its a good idea to try and buy her back, in his mind. she also purchased a 12 pack for my fridge. way-to-go! hearing about her spending his money made me cringe, i guess most (happy ladies?) women are essentially the same. i remember sitting here hearing the tale and thinking to myself that the more ‘Jagerbomb’ shows us, the worse she ends up looking… almost sounds like i’m getting sick of people again, and in all honesty, i just might be. i just remember my hermit-hood a little more fondly anymore. i was hermit-ically sealed and somewhat happy, but not really.