Save Lando

ok, so enough of a tease. ‘the Swede’ was in town for some sort of class on how to procure helium for government birthday parties. the class brought her here to Oklahoma City for a few days, and it gave us a chance to meet each other.

i’ve known said Swede for close to 2 years now. we met in a trivia room (go figure) and became fast friends, stayed that way since. the Swede is one of two people i still keep in contact with around here (though semi-sporadically). i, for the most part, started to wonder away from my ‘net-life’ close to six months ago.

i’m horrible about meeting people. i’m scared to death of it, i hate it, i hate it, i hate it. it kills me and my shyness/hermitude. so after a little prodding and provoking myself to do so, i met Swede and her friend at their hotel bar, starting a three-night jaunt of drinking and goofiness.

monday night:

and before you ask. i have no idea why i look so sweaty. i guess it was hot and i had been drinking (which explains the look on my face…sorta). why am i putting all these strange pics of my goofy ass in here lately…?

tuesday night was spent eating delicious mexican food and seeing some rachel mcadams movie downtown. no, it wasnt ‘the hot chick’, but red eye. not a bad flick, i liked the bad guy (opposing Swede). i believe he may have been chosen primarily because of how he looked in a scarf at the end. and that mcadams woman could use a/the touch of lando, maybe then she wouldnt cry so much (or maybe more? ouch…)

thursday night was spent a little weird. i took the dynamic duo to a shopping mall for a little lite browsing. we followed up with dinner and trivia at one of my favorite places. congrats on being 6th in the country swede (but you have to be better than that to beat me. hahaha).

after that, things get fuzzy. i remember being in the car and hearing the swede making donkey noises whilst pounding on the steering wheel. must be a wisconsin thing. then, because the swedes friend had only one request of the week, i found myself in a place i told myself i would never go.

a cowboy bar.

the request was to ride a mechanical bull, and this place was supposed to have one. sadly, there was not a single mechanical bull in the building. what kind of cowboy bar doesnt have a mechanical bull?!?!?! conscious of our defeat, we retreated back to their hotel, where i bowed out for the week.

and driving home sucked giant dong. the feeling of overwhelming sadness loomed, primarily based on me not knowing when i’d see my friend again…

ugh. i’m so impossibly behind. lets start by saying this, a week and a half late:

package received! thanks so much, Kat. my household has deemed 4/5 bottles absolutely delicious (tequila lime being the other one). i also might have to find a way to talk you into sending more red salsa, ‘Machismo’ got into it and i had to fight him to get him to not continue eating it with a spoon when he ran out of chips.

and a strange thing i noticed about the hot sauce? everytime i ate it, later in the day a latin honey would come into my store and flirt a little with me. i’m this close to mainlining this shit, or maybe just completely replacing my blood with ‘august in austin’. its true, i swear it. i’ve never usually been one for latin women, always preferring the cold, irrational psychosis of the paler, fairer sex….but i’m willing to change my blind and ignorant ways in the name of Onan.

in other news:

flash gordon came into my store last week. i know this because he was wearing a white/red ringer tee and had stark white-blonde hair. those and i couldnt stop singing the queen song dubbed in his honor. the roommate was not amused, and was likely annoyed by my singing. sorry man, blame freddie mercury for writing too catchy a song.

in the same day, there was a drove of drunken softball players hanging around, one wearing a dildo-helm. ok, it wasnt so much a helm as a baseball cap complete with a dildo sticking out the top. i got a smirk out of it, but the other customers were a little upset/scared.

i was also going through this religious thing where i was wondering about near-death experiences and dedication to religion. like if i were to almost die, would i give up my beliefs for some sad bit of comfort in religion. hopefully not, its against everything i try to hold myself dear to. a steadfast dedication to nonbelief. this can apply to anything i dont agree with, i’ve been thinking about being as silly as the other side gets with it. if its something i dont like, i will just stop believing in it and see how insane arguments get. this paragraph was really meant to be an entire entry, but i dont feel like ranting on it right now. settle for the working title of ‘horror head’.

next entry will explain why ‘the Swede’ makes donkey noises when she gets excited. be good.

it appears that my latest self-imposed hiatus has ended, if only for today. not sure what readers i have left to celebrate this fact, but i’ll happily jot down some semi-coherent words for you to gloss over.

first and foremost, Katrina? you have some apologies to hand out to thousands down south. i know how tantrums tend to go when quitting the bean, but this is unacceptable. new orleans did nothing but provide a haven for debauchery, in the sweetest sense. 10 hail mary’s and 1 act of contrition.

a female midget came into my store last week (no, this isnt the start to some insensitive joke, only an insensitive story). usually not something i consider noteworthy, except for the fact that i turned to a co-worker and said “yeah, i’d bang her.” i mean, she was no bridget the midget or anything, but i think it was moreso a status lay than anything. sure, some of your friends would admit to hogging from time to time, but how many could claim a midget? and hell, you never know, could be good stuff.

quit looking at me like that. its been a LOOONG time.

and some quick personal observations. i was concentrating on my walking the other day. you see enough people of girth walk by you, you instantly become fearful that you, yourself, waddle. happily, i dont think i do, but you know how things tend to go when you finally notice them. it was like that whole thing i had with my breathing a few months back. was i breathing too loud? was i after i conciously made an effort to notice it? dunno.

and this sucks. evidently, i look high all the time. i made a new freind in game-dork land, and after seeing my pics, she asked me if i liked to get high. guess my pictures tend to compound suspicions. while still trying to understand why i look that way, i can only suspect that my mother partook in the greenery during my pregnancy. not really a shock to me, knowing how my mother is.

proof, you ask?

i mean, holy shit, i look like a fat Chino Moreno. it’s scary. at any given moment i look like i’m mid-coitus, and i only know that because thats how i look in the mirro…..nevermind.

lastly, some more things heard at my store:

“Lamont, you big dummy!”; some random conversation about eating in porn shop/stripclub; “I’d cram so much cock in her ass, she’d think she was shitting a whole chicken.”