Save Lando

it’s weird. i’m always finding little notes i wrote to myself in hopes that i would write about certain things. i find these notes from time to time, and have no clue what the hell i was going for. sadly, i found a note last night and REMEMBERED what it was about. the scribbling? simply:

“Buford”

i think that the only reason i remembered it, is because it’s going to scar my psyche for years to come (much like another story i’ll tell soon). see, i often work with this guy in his 50’s. kind of one of those dirty-old-men types who’s always lusting after the younger ladies, and in turn, cockblocking Lando. not that i’m throwing my mack (ha) left and right at work, because, hello, pathetic.

he got all worked up about something or another one night and mentioned buford. yes, buford, his penis. the man named his penis. worse, he named it buford. someone? anyone? please? why?

and even though Andria never reminded me, i remember Flipper (also something i’d like to forget). see, a few weeks back i stayed up way too late. i’m talking like 5am. Machismo can’t drive, and occasionally has me drive him to another ride early sunday morning. @6am. this usually wreaks havok on my sleeping, but i’m a good friend/roommate, so i endure. so i get to my bedroom close to 5am, and remember about the ride. fuck. going to sleep wasnt going to do me any good, so i decided that just staying up would be the way to go.

so what did i do to keep me awake? masturbate? nah, wasnt in the mood. watch tv? sure. had to be something on, right? um, no. the only thing on was this. instead of opting for banging my head against a wall, doing dishes, or other more fun things, i watched it. seriously, i fucking watched it. i spent most of the film with a sneer draping my face, hating machismo every second for making me do those things.

so 2/3 of te movie through, Machismo wakes and asks me what i’m doing up. i explain that i was doing it to give him a ride. he then tells me that he has one already, and that i’m doing it for nothing. i’m sitting there, FUCKING WATCHING CROCODILE DUNDEE AND FRODO PLAY WITH A FUCKING DOLPHIN FOR NO GODDAMNED REASON. i seriously wanted to stab him. right in his head.

so screw it, i didnt have to watch it anymore, i didnt have to drive anywhere, i could just go to sleep. did that happen? no, my brain wouldn’t let me. i actually had to stay up and finish that stupid fucking movie.

ok, it’s been a week, and so far the music quiz has been an astounding failure. 1.5 have been answered. yikes. i guess Jeanette wins with 1 correct answer! Go Netty! so let me know if you want to write an entry in here, or whatever (i’m easy). quiz answers to follow, highlight to see.

1. Aimee Mann – “Deathly”
2. Deadboy & the Elephantmen – “Barefoot in the Dark”
3. Jay-Z – “What More Can I Say?”
4. Liz Phair – “California”
5. Flaming Lips – “Spongebob and Patrick Confront the Psychic Wall of Energy”
6. From Bubblegum to Sky – “Hello Hello Hi”
7. Reel Big Fish – “You Don’t Know”
8. Sex Pistols – “Bodies”
9. Coldplay – “Fix You”
10. Rialto – “Summer’s Over”

i’ve seen a few people do the song lyric quiz thing lately, so i figure i’d do one of my own. no googling! if anyone gets more than, say 5, i will be shocked. shocked and awed. and maybe a little turned on. hell, maybe i’ll send a cd to whoever gets the most right, that should be incentive enough.

1. “I can’t afford to climb aboard you. No one’s got that much ego to spend.”

2. “My death lays awake there, whistling dixie”

3. “I ain’t never scared, I’m everywhere, You ain’t never there”

4. “yeah, yeah, I got this really good idea. Let’s run down that hill and fuck one of those cows.”

5. “Patrick, you see I’m growing a mustache. And though i know, I must ask you. Does it really make me look like a man?”

6. “When we decide to learn how to misbehave. She likes it in a nasty way.”

7. “Well first of all i’d like to say fuck off. If you don’t get it why don’t you go shove your head back up your ass.”

8. “Fuck this and fuck that, Fuck it all and fuck the fucking brat. She don’t wanna baby that looks like that”

9. “Tears stream down your face when you lose something you cannot replace”

10. “When you’re walking on the cliffs, you can’t help thinking of how far down the sea is, and what if it should give…”

and now that i have a look at them, i seem to listen to music with a fair amount of cursing. go figure. answers to come with next update.

and for some reason, i find myself waking at 9am. i roll over and bask my face in the sunshine breaking through the window. i smile. my cat is there staring at me, evidently waiting for me to wake up and give him attention. it also makes me smile. i then wonder why he’s sticking his tongue out at me…before he pukes all over my sheets.

welcome to my day off.

so, i’m behind, again. charles rocket’s dead. damn, i thought he was funny (not the suicide thing, but his comedy stylings. christ, you’re morbid). apparent suicide by slitting his own throat is a pretty hardcore way to go, rivalling that of an old ministry guitar player and elliott smith stabbing himself in the chest. i guess that if i had starred in It’s Pat, the Movie, i’d seriously consider the same fate (and probably sooner).

there was a giant protest this past sunday, about a mile away from my store. being the news-savvy guy i am, i had no clue. some IED cult had taken up residence in the parking lot of a local church for a rally. they didnt expect 100 bikers to show up also to protest. from what i hear, the bikers decided to keep the bikes going loud enough to drown out any sound from speakers. the 7 motorcycle police officers that were there got a kick out of it and told me that the bikes deserved to have freedom of speech also, partly because they found it hilarious.

the work – coffee maker messages had been discovered and changed. i’m not sure i feel comfortable having anyone but HAL 9000 or Dr. Zaius make my daily dosage of caffeine. a protest shall be waged shortly, and i’m going to bring all those bikers for help. the pop culture humor was most certainly not recognized or appreciated, and above all else, that bothers me most.

It’s Kat, the Movie decided to throw her affections at another automaton. robot on robot love. thats HOT. good luck figuring out that manual anytime soon, they read like stereo instructions.

and fellow oklahomans? can you please tell me what the hell is up with the weather? it’s mid-rocktober, it is not supposed to be 80+ degrees. wheres the rain? wheres the fog? if i wanted to have swamp-ass year round, i’d move to Austin or something. bring on the cold weather. the long sleeves. the jackets. the beanies (not that i can wear them).

and finally, reason number 2 as to why i dont wear beanies:

(seperated at birth)

i don’t know where he gets this from. i swear.

shit.

so in the timely manner you’ve grown accustomed to, part of my entry will be about hurricane rita.

at some point during the oh-so-fashionable hurricane craze, i suggested to machismo that we sell all our possessions and become pirates. not those “i’m different and special because i act weird” pirates, i’m talking full-on shotgun toting, eyepatch wearing ruffians who do nothing but loot and pillage. i’d throw rape in there too, but i dont think i could ever bring myself to (no matter how how evil i decided to be).

i think machismo took it as a joke, until i told him that we wouldnt sell the puters. plural now. last week i decided to get him his own puter, and he can owe me. this saves many a frustrated roommate situation in this apartment. the things i do for peace (not piece).

i’ve decided that fat people should really pay better attention to the clothing they wear. if you have a logo or saying on your shirt, irony check that puppy before you leave the house please. you, in all seriousness, cannot expect me to keep my mouth shut when you’re pushing 400 lbs and rocking a shirt that states “the world does revolve around me”. david cross did a comedy bit about the south having a disproportionate amount or irony on t-shirts, but i never gave it too much attention. guess he was right.

a guy came into my store last week wearing a softball uniform. i’m guessing he was a softball player. thats not as impressive as what he named his team though. they had the manchester united crest, slightly altered. it read “MANCHOWDER UNITED”. it was the coolest thing in the world, and someday i’ll have to nick it for me own.

also, it is a bad idea to let certain people have access to things. case-in-point. new coffee makers in my workplace, with led screens. scrolling type, yada yada. instead of having the business name or some inspirational message to its underpaid workers, the coffee makers are now named ‘Dr. Zaius’ and ‘Hal 9000′.

sadly, no one has noticed.