Save Lando

so to everyone that didnt get wished a happy holidays, happy holidays. hope they were wonderful. mine wasnt so bad. in fact, its one of the better x-mas times i’ve had in recent years. how that happened is anyones guess.

i started off by NOT going to a church service. not my thing, my family can deal with it. it wasnt met with any sort of consequences, to my surprise. no one mentioned it, and no one chastised me for not going. kudos to my family, they do surprise me from time to time.

instead of having a home cooked x-mas dinner, they had decided to make reservations out. this has happened a few times in years past. i’m still pretty undecided on whether its a good thing or not. my stepmom doesnt really cook, so i can see the positive in not making her cook that insanely large meal. my father? he’s more the fish fry/hamburger helper kind of cook, so that was out of the question. my sister and i are the only ones who could be up to the task, and neither of us was asked, so we slacked our way out of it. our noon reservations sat us down at 1:15pm. can someone explain that? maybe i had my definition of reservation mixed up with something else.

i had the unfortunate task of having to work. 4pm. so every little thing that delayed the holiday plan was putting me further and further behind on family time. at one time, during our horrendous wait, i had wondered off. the interior of said eatery was packed with geriatric bitching (and an odor of decaying flesh), so i went outside for air. i spent quite a bit of time on my own before family came looking, which at the time, bothered me greatly. my time with the family was limited, and i felt like it was a little bit of a snub that no one wanted to loiter outside with me. this of course, was retarded, and i quickly got over it. we were finally seated and proceeded to make utter pigs of ourselves (pot roast for yours truly. i do loves me some pot roast).

and by now you’re thinking: “WTF? what is this daylog shit??!!?!?!?! wheres the funny, Lando?” sorry! i’m boring today! make due with the new profile pic and try to stay awake for the rest.

so after we left the pot roast mecca, i had 40 minutes to open gifts and get to work. my family impressed me with their understanding and comprimising nature towards the situ. everyone got what they wanted (including myself, for once – wish list updated), and seemed content. this in itself is words better than my birthday, where i kept asking myself, “seriously, these cant be my gifts, can they?” highlights include : a new pair of shoes that i’m afraid will ignite the shoes fires within me, and a book i’ve been wanting for awhile but could never get around to buying. i then left for work, where somehow i managed to avoid getting too pissed at being the only one having to work x-mas day (meaning i didnt set the place on fire).

overall i guess it wasnt that interesting or noteable, but i decided to share anyway. sometime in the near future i hope to tackle rants concerning things like chris martin being a better songwriter than kurt cobain (an argument that might get me slain by my peers), and perhaps something about evolution of ideology in present society (but dont hold your breath).

so like some of you know already, my computer died last week.

and when i say died, i mean it. it’s no longer with us (ok, its sitting on the kitchen counter). so faced with having no communication with the outside world, i went out, post hasty, and got myself an x-mas present. probably not the best of ideas, spending that much cash on myself before even thinking about anyone elses gifts. if that makes me a bastard, fine, i’m a bastard.

the only things that bother me about the situation are the ‘perhaps’ loss of my music and picture files. i’m working with someone to see if a retrieval is possible, and if so, four thousand mp3’s and hundreds of pics will be back to make my ears and eyes happy (which come a close second to making my pants happy).

work is crappy lately. i’ve somehow grown tired of the endless stream or morons and malcontents that pass through those hallowed doors. my job performance has suffered greatly, as i dont feel motivated to do, really, anything. is it the job or is it seasonal affective disorder? is it because i cant sleep much lately or is it because i’ve been out of coke zero for a week now and can’t motivate my fat ass to go to the store to get more? maybe. perhaps. all of these mayhaps, mayhaps not. if i had any answers, i’d fix the damn problem instead of typing this all out for you to read and whatever the opposite of enjoy is. maybe i should’nt write in this mood.

Andria has threatened to poison me by mail. i hope the postal service doesnt somehow get ahold of her package and save one very important (to me at least) life. *wink* having a crippling dysentary is no way to spend the holiday season, unless you’re living in some 3rd world nation where god hates you (see: Bangladesh; Lesotho; Canada).

and speaking of fantastical beings that inspire cults, i had another phone conversation with my father last week. it was to set up holiday plans, and coordinate schedules. 5 times in 15 minutes, i heard my stepmom, in the background, saying things about me going to church with them. when i called them on it, they said that they just “care about me”. nothing says ‘i love you’ like chasing me away. you’d think that after all these years, they would understand, even the slightest. i show proper respect when it comes to thier functions/activities. i’m very respectful of their beliefs, as i think all people should be. so i ask…

“why can’t they respect mine?”

obviously they dont understand my position on the matter. whats worse, i am terminally single and stick to very little friends. i feel like i’m on a fucking island out here and there’s no million dollar prize for outlasting or outwitting anyone.

i’m also guesting in Loopy’s diary today, so please check it out. responses always welcome.

i occasionally work with a redneck nascar fan (no offense, Andria). he’s the usual wet blanket you would expect. a guy with little sense of humor, and quite the adverse view on anything i could think of. i get along with everyone pretty well after i find something we can both do or talk about that wont have our life opinions clash. in this case, its making fun of our customers. i’m sure its the same in most retail jobs. direct the hate to those you hate the most. it’s often that we pipe “this job would be alright if it werent for the fucking customers.”

and the only reason i’m bringing this up is because he said something that had me crying from laughing so hard. it was completely out of left field, and i struggled not to have a brain aneurysm from attempting to understand it.

“he looks like the kind of guy who would try to bang a robot.”

seriously, thats all it took. i lost it.

you would think that with the last entry titled ‘Loopy does Lando.’, i’d at least have gotten some. i’d be smiling from ear to ear, the taste of someone elses taint dancing in my mouth or something. sadly, no. but i do want to thank Loopy for the guest entry, because someone has to write in this damn thing, and as of late, it sure as hell hasnt been me. i disagree with her statement that everything goes downhill after a bruised asscrack statement. to me, thats when the party starts. i’m writing this entry for the simple fact that 1) i’m backlogged with shit to get out, and 2) i dont want to have someone else having more entries in MY blog than myself this month.

it’s funny she brought up ‘the Biggest Loser’. i’m not a television guy, at all. sure, its always on, but usually as some sort of white noise or a background distraction. have to have something drown out the noises coming from my head screaming “GET THE FUCK UP AND GO OUTSIDE YOU LAZY SHIT!”. i mean come on, its friggin cold out there. so, i had watched the last few weeks of the show and enjoyed it. if you would have told me this beforehand – watching a group of people do something i would love to, but cant do myself. and that i would like it? i might have laughed at you, but i guess in retrospect, thats all that tv is. porno too for that matter, and lord knows we wont ever give up that fantasy world. so i would watch this show and get all emotional at the end of the shows, like some sort of whimpering gelatinous moron. i’m a sucker for the heartbreak.

let it slip that my mother was in town for Thanksgiving. i had to work some odd hours with no break to get the days off around TG, so i could spend time with my dear departed mother. its always funny how those things turn out. the whole time shes here you’re thinking “christ, when are you leaving”, and when shes gone you kinda miss her. within 2 hours of her being back, she was nagging my sister about various things. expect some sibling unity here? nah, i kind of tried to keep my sister on the edge of sanity by poking at her, nagging also.

“you should really watch what you eat ’sister christian’, thats nothing but bad cholesteral” — (while stuffing her face with the same shit)

“its hot in here, you should air out your house. it will save you tons on your electric bill!!!!”

“you guys eat out too much. you could save alot of money just staying at home.”

and this was just the first 3 hours. its a wonder my sister is still coherent after 5 days of that. i was more than happy to make the drive to her house everyday instead of spending the night there, which they both wanted me to do. fuck that! a 15 minute drive is well worth the peace of mind that comes with not being saturated 24/7 with momness. going to countless fabric stores and antique shops was nigh enough to make my mind snap like a twig anyway.

after the 5 days were up, they visited me at work before she had to leave again. i felt a little bad that i couldn’t have spent more time with her this time. its only the 2nd time we’ve seen her in 4 years, and i know i could have done better. again, the son/failure thoughts crept in and i spent the next day or so in a funk…until i realized that its not so bad. at least i’m not doing egg art. ha! (sorry Lisa)

and recently, i had a conversation with a co-worker (the ‘buford’ guy), whilst he was flipping through pictures in his wallet. he was looking at some pictures of his kids who he hasnt spoken to in 3 years. he said that the kids just arent interested in having a relationship with him anymore. he just looked at them pretty close, not saying a word. you could tell his heart was breaking. it was rough, and very uncomfortable to watch. you shouldnt ever have to seen an old man like that.

guess i should call my mom sometime.

So, while people are babysitting my diary for me, I’m supposed to be doing some guest entries. Heh. I said “doing”.

This is GoingLoopy, Goddess of All Creation, Mistress of the Universe, and Reigning Queen of Trivial Pursuit. And perhaps one of those descriptions is accurate.

Speaking of doing, I won’t be any time soon. GID, my sometime companion over the last 2 years, dumped me. By e-mail. Chickenshit. My friends, when I told them this, were all like “oh, are you okay?”

Actually…yes. I’m really fine. I didn’t give that much of a rat’s ass about him…I mean, he was okay, and stuff, but it’s not like he was the love of my life who I will mourn forever. He was just (a) some regular sex and (b) some regular illegal substances. That’s what pisses me off the most about the whole thing…now I have to go looking for booty AND bud.

What’s really funny is that he and I have both been rather apathetic toward each other for a while, but his e-mail was all nice and caring and shit. Yeah, yeah. You still really respect me as a person and a friend. We are not friends. That was half the problem with our relationship. We don’t have crap to talk about most of the time. It’s not like he is going to now be my mortal enemy, either…that would involve actually caring.

His reason for ending the relationship? He wants something more serious, someone to spend his life with, blah blah blah. I told him a year ago I wasn’t having any of that. Maybe he thought I would change my mind, or something. This just proves that he really didn’t know me at all. I rarely change my mind about major stuff. I might change my mind about liking a movie or a book or a band, or where to go for dinner, but about life decisions? Not so much.

What I mostly feel right now is relieved. And free.

In my quest for a newer, thinner, me, I have been (off and on) frequenting the YMCA. Last night, after a two-week hiatus which I blame largely on work sucking donkey balls and going out of town for Turkey Day, I finally got off my ass and went to work out. I did a few minutes on the treadmill for a warmup, did some weights, did some squats, did some crunches. Then, even though I was tired and really just wanted to be a wussy and go home, I decided to try going to a spin (or “group cycling”) class.

Last season on The Biggest Loser, the contestants had to ride for FOUR HOURS on one of these monstrosities.

Sweet bleeding Jesus.

Twenty minutes, and I don’t think my ass will ever be the same. It’s not the pedaling part…it’s that horrible, horrible seat. The towel I was sitting on quickly slid off, and there was nothing between me and excruciating pain. Seriously. You would think that my amply padded butt would provide enough cushioning. You would be wrong. I think I have bruises in my ass crack.

I’m sure at this point, Lando is really happy he won my contest and let me do a guest entry. Also at this point, I will conclude today’s musings. Because really, once I’ve discussed ass crack bruising, there’s nowhere to go but down.