Save Lando

thoughts swirling around my head recently. tornados and hurricanes of emotion and abject fear. i can’t help be be terrified that im going to flip out and lose my shit. self-doubt and lack of self-worth coming into play finally to make things the royal clusterfuck i had imagined would visit a hell of a lot sooner than they did. i dont think its any secret to anyone who’s read this blog for more than a week, that i most certainly have some issues. sure, nothing glaring or outright screaming to anyone really, but issues all the same.

tonight, a woman came into my store that looked a great deal like Loopy. my heart nearly jumped out of my chest, and it took a great deal of time for me to calm down and concentrate as to why that was my reaction. but i don’t want to get ahead of myself here.

I’ve been spending alot of time with Loops lately, enjoying myself a great deal. too much probably. i generally pride myself on being very guarded. very secure (but also very lonely) in my fortress of solitude. and now i find myself not so secure. no calm Lando. no collected Lando. but… a strangely, mildly contented Lando. a Lando that apparently speaks in the 3rd person like an asshole.

i guess i’ve always had a problem with deeming myself worthy of any woman i found even the least bit desirable. so naturally, i’m having problems with it now. i find myself looking forward to time with Loops. she’s growing on me or in me like some sort of fatal wasting disease. i’m almost positive she’s been dosing me. why? because its only been a couple of days not around her and i’m kind of missing her. ugh. sappy.

i dont know… i guess its that she’s semi -successful with semi-successful friends and i dont necessarily fit into that scheme. thats a downer, wondering if or when that shoe will drop and she’ll snap into consciousness, wondering why she’s spending time with me. i’m in no way any of those things, and wonder if i ever will be. from a young age, all i ever wanted to be was happy, and i feel i’m making strides towards that goal, i hope.

i guess i’ll just have to wing it. hope that instead of shoes dropping, it’s intelligence points to match my own. yay! shiny!

keep thinking i should write something, but everytime i sit down to try, my mind wonders. i cant say that i’ve kept a single cohesive thought for longer than 5 minutes all this week. i’ve made quips about my intelligence being a solid 70, and i’m starting to feel it.

it’s been white trash week at my workplace. i’m convinced that our location is a magnet. wannabe gangstas. meth-heads. they comprise about 75% of this weeks clientele. maybe they’re the ones making me stupid.

i made a joke last night about not answering my phone, and why i would be busy not answering it. then i realized that it was true. why is it that the phone always rings when i’m ‘busy’? does this happen to anyone else? it’s not like i’m some sort of fiend or something. maybe i just have bad timing.

trivia showdown IV today. i look forward to a stellar defeat. at the moment, jack daniels sounds scary. eep.

it’s been bitterly cold here recently, and everything is chapped to the max. the ice and snow has left everything dry and sore. seriously, the only way i could be more chapped is if i was wearing a pair of them. and no one wants to see yours truly in a pair of assless chaps. they’d lose their peanut butter. i know some of you have asked for pictures of my ass, but i have decided that for the good of mankind, this cannot happen. anyone who wants a gander, will simply have to see it in person.

speaking of , i got 10 comments about the peanut butter thing. what the hell? i’ve also concluded that women are not peanut butter lovers, as most chose creamy. i could never choose creamy, first and foremost one taste alone. second, the word creamy has always churned my gut. i hate that word. smooth would be so much better a descriptive phrase. everyone loves smooth. mmm….smooth….

and lastly, bad news: i didnt win the powerball. i’m sorry ladies, no one gets a new car this week.

i somehow managed to pull down some sort of cold/flu bug, but still find a way to breathe and post on this medium-rare of a holiday. its Valentine’s Day again. and everyone is celebrating and wearing their best pink outfits. or not. i think i might have one around somewhere…oh well. in the tradition of last years VD post, i’m going to post the first 10 songs I hear with love in my collection before i get started on my day.

1. AC/DC – Let Me Put My Love Into You
2. Aimee Allen – Too Fucked Up for Love
3. Belle & Sebastian – I Don’t Love Anyone
4. Midnight Movies – Love or a Lesson
5. Lodger – I Love Death
6. Gene Pitney – It Hurts to Be In Love
7. Leonard Cohen – Dance Me to the End of Love
8. the Cruxshadows – Love/Tragedy
9. VAST – Don’t Take Your Love Away
10. Starsailor – Bring My Love

and again i come off looking like a schizophrenic. thank god i didnt include ‘Jungle Love‘. interesting contrasts on an interesting emotion.

i have to find some time at some point to call my mother and wish her a happy vd/birthday/wedding day. as i was telling Loopy recently, sure its tacky as hell, but i think it might serve a greater purpose. see, im thinking that maybe my moms new husband wanted to condense holidays as to only have to have sex with her one day a year. and i never gave him much respect as a smart man, i might have to rethink that.

i’m drawing a blank at the moment. there’s a trivia rematch today, probably some drinking involved. hopefully that will help me feel better, as being run over by a zamboni is never fun. think thats it for me, write again if i ever become interesting, or raise my IQ above 70.

but to go completely off-road for a moment: Peanut Butter – Extra Crunchy or Creamy. opinions, favor. KattyBoHo, you are disqualified from voting (judge rules under the double standard act of 2006).

and im not sure how ‘they’ did it. ‘they’ being the government. with cloning technology being to ancient 30+ years ago when she was born, i dont see how they did it. i mean, they obviously had made vast improvements by 1977, and thats the explanation for myself.

but in all seriousness. i’m not used to people being so frank with me in person. the conversation took a few turns for the serious, and there wasnt any backing down. i can’t even begin to explain how admirable that is. to leave yourself so open to someone you’ve really just met. to not crack some lame joke and dance away, but to stand in that proverbial batters box and take one for the team. i have an insane amount of respect for that. in some ways, it made me face myself and the things i do and say. my patterns. my lack of courage to do the same…..

i got a haircut thursday. its shorter than i ever remember having it in my life. so much that my first thoughts after were “holy shit, i look like a giant penis…well, more than normal anyway.” a sentiment that was not argued by ‘Machismo’. unlike normal, everyone had to comment when they first saw me after. i guess this is my way of recognizing i let it get too long. fortunately, they were kind and said it looks good.

and speaking of machismo, he’s out of town for the week. so the pad is pretty darn quiet. no loud noises, no 5 hours of cartoons a day, no headaches. hooray! also, sadly, no one to talk to. damn, there just had to be a catch didnt there. dont know how you people living solo do it. i’m off of work for the next 48 hours, and i’m already going nuts. Loopy has challenged me to a Trivial Pursuit challenge, and i might have to take her up on it. She sure has been talking a big game. Let’s hope it goes a little better for me than the time KattyBoHo smoked me in Air Hockey.

so my favorite football team makes the superbowl, and i get stuck working. probably for the best, i was upset enough listening to the radio. my team lost, and it wasnt until after the game that i was able to say i’d ever felt like i’d been raped by zebras.

Michael Jackson doing songs for a tribute to John Paul II. anyone else thinking that the catholic church throwing this idea out there is a bad PR move?