i’ve been promising myself that i’d write as soon as i had the chance. well, after about 10 of those chances, i’m finally sitting down to write.
last week, Loopy had lunch plans with two of her firends. the previous day, she notifies me about the luncheon and says that there’s been a request for my presence. then the obligatory “it’s cool if you don’t want to go, i wont hold it against you.” of course we know how that ends up (insert whip-cracking here).
the next day, 20 minutes before she was supposed to meet them, the fire was lit. now there wasnt any threats of any kind, save for the usual abuse Loopy seems to dole out. but i was greatly urged to attend the lunch. it was only 2 friends, and i could handle that. my social phobia prevents me from doing things like this normally. going into a situation where i’m going to be scrutinized at every turn usually isnt my cuppa, so i usually find myself absent from said situations. 1 person is hard enough for me, but doable. 2 is alot.
after a few agonizing minutes of waffling, i caved. damn, i’m such a candy-ass. so we drive on over, me ready for the alluring smell of Lando over a spit. we get there, and not only is there 2 people to meet, but they brought a 3rd friend. 3. 3 WOMEN. 3 NEW PEOPLE TO MEET. i buckled under the duress and spent 45 minutes in the eateries bathroom crying myself into a stupor before having a heart attack and dying with my pants down next to a chihuahua and a bowl of queso.
ok, so maybe that part wasnt true, but there was 3 women i had to meet. 2 lawyers and a woman who ordered the biggest burrito i had ever seen (and has seen this blog… booo!). i knew i couldn’t get away with alot, so i was quiet, and listened. and as small talk goes, there’s always the basic questions i knew were coming. when asked what i did for a living, i responded:
“i collect guns and bibles. sure, there’s not a bunch of money in it unless you go with the antiquities, but its my passion.”
silence.
“I wish I knew how to quit you!”
then after a few seconds, they realized it was a joke (i think). sure, i could have gone with old standbys like “astronaut”, “fat model”, or even “male stripper”; but why not go for the gusto? they seemed to let it drop after i threatened them all with untimely deaths, detailed specifically to each single one of them. ok, maybe i didnt threaten anything, but an hour later, Loops got the phone call from parties involved giving me the thumbs up. i think they said something to the extent of “he’s so goddamned sexy i wanted to peel his clothes off right there at the table and fuck him in the guacamole.”
well it was either that or “he’s nice and cute. we approve”. i forget really. it could be either one. really. i’m serious. screw you man! it could happen!
after lunch, we shop a little. me buying a couple of books and her buying a video game. not sure when we reversed personalities, but it happened for a few hours.
later on, we end up at my house. sister christian calls and invites me to do something horrible like watch american idol with her and my uncle. i inform her that i’m busy and cant make it. she goes off on some mini rant about how i’m always busy and how my family hasnt seen me in almost 2 months (true, i confess). i inform her that i have company and cant really talk, which seems to pique her curiousity (bad form Lando).
she then proceeds to grill me on my company. who is it? is it a girl? can she talk to her? before she gets silly-retarded and i make us get off the phone. my sister has some sort of weird thing about me and women. i swear to god, i lived in fear for the next 24 hours, figuring my sister would call or drop in unexpectedly in hopes of catching a glimpse of this newfound mystery woman. then perhaps call everyone in her phone directory and speculate as to when i’m going to get married and make 100 babies.
i don’t speak to her for a few days. i get another phone call, this time at work. she admits that she had planned to stop by the next night (and bad timing would that have been), just to ‘check up’ on me. i then answer 15 minutes of questions. including, but not limited to:
“what color hair does she have? blonde or brown?”
“does she wear alot of black?”
“does she have alot of piercings?”
“does she have any kids?”
“does she have a job?”
“does she live in the city?”
“how did you guys meet?”
“have you guys kissed?”
“with tongue?”
((she then wigs out with the giddy for a good 45 seconds))
“what flavor is her lip gloss?”
“is she athiest? agnostic? christian?”
no kidding. this only exemplifies my complete lack of understanding of the female species. only in my sisters brain would a question of lip gloss flavor come before “how old is she?”. not only all of this, but she threatened to half-assed plan a BBQ where she can ask the question “just what are your intentions with my brother?”.
i shit you not. and all from me saying i had company. someday i’ll learn to keep my mouth shut.
/end novel.
