Save Lando

and here i am again, beating myself over the head to shake loose all the rubble. maybe it’s because of the fast approaching anniversary of the birth of our lord, but it seems the holiday stress and cornfusion has been multiplied. not necessarily for myself, but for many of us running around like the proverbial chicken with la-zers (or however the saying goes).

a semi-new co-worker of mine is fairly religious. meaning when he sits down for meals, i always see him praying, etc. he’s kind of creepy and is prone to repeating himself constantly, so i usually ignore him. i’m forced to work with him a few nights a week, and i guess he finally saw the need to bond with yours truly. i mean, i respect everyones views, i think most of you know this. i may poke fun and crack a joke or two, but for the most part, i greatly admire people with the steadfast dedication to any one given faith or belief. sure, some eventually turn out to be complete psycho’s, but c’est la vie (that’s just the way it goes. whoa, whoa?).

he hit me out of the blue with “so, Lando, do you believe in Jesus Christ?”. i stifled the giggle and said something to the extent of thats a taboo conversation at work and wondered off. later, after he pressed again, i told him that its not generally a conversation i like to have, as everyone has different beliefs, especially at my store. i told him that i get cornered enough by customers on the subject, and i really didnt think it was fair. he then got defensive, proclaiming that it’s his (and the customers) first amendment rights to talk about whatever he/they wanted. instead of informing him just how wrong he was on that one, i decided to talk at him a little bit. he couldnt seem to get around me believeing that ‘i just spontaneously combusted out of nowhere’. his words, not mine, repeated ad nauseum. he couldnt understand that, and i can’t seem to understand why this conversation happens everytime i meet someone steeped in the holy spirit.

blah. oh well.

it’s always this time of year i feel the need to kick back. i’d love to just lay down and listen to some tunes, maybe reflect on everything that happened this stretch. another one gone. my last year in the twenties. wow. when did i get so fucking old? good old ‘Dr. Booty’ called a few times last week. he wants to get together and leave his house for fun. evidently, he’s been locked up in the nut bin off and on the past few months. he’s trying to get my roommate back into skateboarding (over the phone). he confided in me that he just doesnt really know who he is anymore, and that he’s trying to find himself. i can’t imagine being in that situation. i mean, thats what being a teenager was for, right? don’t want to think about all the trouble that will bring him as he’s knocking on 30 with a wife and 2 kids. maybe i’m lucky. i never really had any problems figuring out who i was, so i can’t even fully grasp how difficult a task it can be.

and speaking of the mentally unstable, a certain someone (whom i link quite frequently) and i were out last weekend. semi-last minute shopping, with a stop by the local starbucks for some sips. i opted for the peppermint mocha smacky, whilst she decided, to my horror, to savor the unctuous egg nog flavor fluid. i only state it that way because it, in no way, is intended for human consumption. she not knowing what actually makes the dreaded egg nog, had to be informed. and no, its not eggs. thats what she thought also. whatever. it’s a complete fallacy intended to snow consumers into drinking the real ingredient: elf cum. so that’s Loopy’s new temporary nickname, ‘Elf Cum’. i really don’t have to worry about a retort either, as she seems to have lost the motivation or capacity to write. oh. snap.

we did a little shopping, with the both of us determined to buy each other a gift. i don’t think either of us intended it to be so difficult. i kept telling her that i didnt care what i got (sound familiar?) and that world peace and good will towards man would be good. guess that was a no go. really, i don’t need anything because i almost consider her my gift already this year. almost, because were i really to come out and say that, it would be way too sappy and i’d have to kick my own ass. we both seemed happy with our final decisions, as for the details of that, you’ll have to wait for her to tell the tale. as for x-mas on monday, i’ll be pulling a solo with the family, as she’ll be with hers in H-town. boo. i was trying to get her to take fruitcake to her family as a gift from me, but she wasn’t having it. also, the title of this entry was almost “i’ve had it up to here with these motherfucking fruitcakes on this motherfucking plane”.

and speaking of families, well wishes and congratulations to Katty BoHo on the birth of her bouncing baby son, Q. you’ll make a good mother, promise. it meant alot to me that you called to tell me about it.

i’ll make the obligatory comment on how i dont write much, then get to it. i’m not writing a ton right now. sorry, ‘my bad’. not that i’m spending too much time worrying about it at night, or even thinking about it. i make a conscious note here and there for the next time i write, and thats about it.

so. i know what you’re thinking. “Lando? what have you been putting in your body lately?”. christ you pervs, that’s not what i meant. i’ve been eating and drinking new things lately, mainly for entertainment purposes. aside from the current cucumber slice thing (fairly normal), i have taken pics of things that went in me, and eventually came out of me. i’ll start in somewhat chronological order.

a few months back, Loopy and i were at the tijuana wal-mart, and i came across what i thought was the most awesome thing i’d ever seen. i’m big on energy drinks, i love to try them all, just to do it. not so much a believer in them giving me energy, but more often for the strange taste combinations i sometimes find. in that sense alone (and only that sense) these did not let me down.

in retrospect, i’m still agape at how something like an energy drink bearing steven seagal’s name could go wrong. i mean really, how can you fuck that up? if you look closely, you’ll see how. no, not the wicked-awesome labelling and graphics adorning Steven Seagal’s Lightning Bolt. no, not the tiny charicature of stevey with a quote of badassery. yes. its the flavors. check it. ‘cherry charge’ and ‘asian experience’. and even though i tried the cherry charge second, it made me want to charge. and vomit. and press charges. but in comparison, it was fucking dom perignon compared to the asian experience. asian experience? what the fuck was i supposed to experience? some sort of wasting genital disease from a vietnamese hooker? drinking wastewater with baby chunks from the Yangtze? perhaps spoiled milk from WWII era Nagasaki? any drink where you taste soy sauce in it IS BAD. BAD I TELL YOU. steven, i have to impose a slight boycott of you, and thusly will not be able to experience my weekly joy of watching Under Siege 2 with Loops. I’m sorry Loopy.

and speaking of my somewhat better half, she got to meet the Iowegians recently, as we met for a nice cajun seafood lunch and had a few laughs. a shame they live all the way in iowa, as i’d love to be able to hang more often than the 1-2 times a year i see them. i know guys, i know. you wont give up ‘the corn’. but be warned, i’ve seen like 5 or 6 sequels to children of the corn, and not one of them turned out well. ok, so we parted ways after lunch, they iowegians needing to do some house stalking, and Loops and I off to do a little shopping. I decided that whilst we were close, i would do some x-mas shopping for the person i’ve been charged with gifting. of course, it sent me straight to Mardel Christian Bookstore.

those of you that know mardel, know what kind of fun we were in for. first off, is it me, or is it always 90 degrees in that motherfucker? maybe its the goshless heathen in me, but i think they do it on purpose. i went in, passing the 30 women in homemade clothes that were happier than pigs in shit to be somewhere with electricity for 20 minutes. there was a slight discussion of what particular faith they adhered to, Loopy tossing the mennonite out there, while I just settled for ‘crazy’, and quite possibly ’snake-dancing crazy’. of course i forgot my list, and spend 25 minutes on the cell talking to someone in the know. i needed names and titles, and honestly, some semblance of a fucking clue in that labyrinth they call mecca (haha, or maybe not). not helping the situation is that i just ate a spicy cajun lunch, and everytime in recent history i eat anywhere but home, i have a sudden urge to decree myself dysentery-riddled. so i’m wondering around a hot, sweaty bookstore, clueless, with an overwhelming desire to blow ass.

we did have time for a few laughs, and a quick peek at the music/t-shirt section. had they carried fat sizes, i would have been all about rocking the jesus-freak. i gathered up all i needed, careful to remember a secondary reason i visited. i remembered from long ago, some foodstuffs i had longed to try. i snagged them up and we left, never to return! (yeah right). so we get back to my place, and i’m all about showing off the food i purchased, and making quite possibly, the worst jokes ever to cement my place in hell. the items spoken of here are 3. one not pictured, trusted with the grand name of ‘the Bible Bar’. it had the 7 foods in in listed in Deuteronomy something something. honey, oats, olive oil, raisins (natures candy!), bat shit, monkey cum, and a few others i can’t remember. while eating it in the presence of Loops and the Iowegians, many laughs were had when i offered the ‘body of christ’ to my guests. the second?

unlike the lightning bolts, this one didnt dissapoint. Noah’s Nuggets were delicious and nutritious. think of eating a payday with honey instead of caramel. not a bad item, i didnt really mind eating noah’s nuggets, and would even consider eating another if it weren’t for the hefty price tag of $2.49 per bar. Jesus, Noah, what the fuck are you doing with all that cash? i am a little bit dissapointed in myself for deliberately spending money on items that i knew were supporting terrorism, but thought the blog-fodder too valuable to pass it up. and finally, the last?

now i know this picture is a wee-bit distorted. it was for a couple simple reasons. firstish, to show a clearer picture of the name. secondly, to show how i felt after eating it. Seeds of Samson. how can you name an organic food bar this name. please. someone tell me how this passed anyone with any sort of good sense. it was ok, hard to eat, as I was trying to eat it, i kept getting Samson’s Seeds all over the place. my clothes, my face, etc. hehe. should have seen the look I got when i tried that joke out. the bar was pretty ho hum, after i got past the label, it was boring as hell. no more fun of a punny food bar name, just fucking birdseed, almonds and raisins. i had a few minutes of experiencing what it was like to be a vegan, which is to say i felt like i wanted to grow my own veggies and hug every tree i saw. thankfully, i came back to my senses, but i still hold my memories of Samson’s Seeds dear.

that’s it for now. no more silly. thank you for reading, and remember that if Jesus stops loving you, I’ll be there to pick up the slack.