Save Lando

because i’m stuck at work most of the time, and my only solace is usually found in the radio/mp3 player, i hear a fair amount of radio commercials. there’s one i’ve been hearing recently that caught my attention. it’s for OnStar navigation for vehicles. the service they’re touting involves step by step or ‘turn by turn’ navigation. i could only imagine how fun this would be for everyone working, then decided that most of the operators have to be women. they’re the only ones who ALWAYS know the way, right? and while offering that service, they could also comment on how fast you’re driving and why you’re taking turns way too fast. i couldn’t possibly do that job, because the first time they didn’t listen, i’d say something like “you missed the turn. i told you where to go and you missed the turn. now you have to figure out how to fix it. go ahead. i’ll wait here at $2.99 per minute for you to get back to where you were told to go.” and though about a month or two late, i was super into the brian posehn natural light radio commercials. if you haven’t heard them, look for them. too funny.

and while i’m sort of still at work concerning this post, i had a regular customer visit me recently. i’m not sure if i’ve ever written about him, but he was the one who i gave a ton of shit to about wear pajamas with cartoon characters in public. he’s also the one who tends to greatly co-opt another culture not indigenous to his cracker-american roots. but hey, i won’t fault him for that, he’s living the dream, right? oh well, this time things were a bit strange. he walked into my store wearing a sling and had his arm covered in bandages. at first, i was thinking, maybe some sort of surgery. its going around. amy had some recently, and now she’s Frankenstein, so i figured that maybe this kid has something removed also. um. no. he informed me that this was no mere accident. that he had not separated a shoulder playing x-box. he had not blown an elbow masturbating (like many great ones have). he hadn’t even punched a tree and fucked his hand up (fuck you, it happens). something else had happened to him. HE WAS BITTEN BY AN ALLIGATOR.

apparently, a buddy of his had an alligator as a pet. not full blown, but smallish i think, as the kid still had his arm. now, maybe i’m a bit off. maybe, just maybe, i’m not all there. but i never thought, even once in my life, that fucking with alligators was even remotely a good idea. like if i’m close enough to poke one with a stick, slap one on the snout, or be fucking chomped on….. it’s too damn close. the only regret that i’ll ever have in regards to this tale, is that i couldn’t ever point to a scar i have and say “alligator bite, 2007″. best i could do was a german shepherd bite. let’s face it, the alligator bite’s pretty damn cool. that’s one all the ladies would wet themselves over. well, unless you said it with an australian accent, then you’re just retarded. not necessarily a commentary on australians, but rather one on australians who wrestle crocs and star in shitty b-movies about such.

and speaking of shitty b-flicks. i saw die hard 4 finally. i guess it wasn’t shitty, but it wasn’t excellent also. i was annoyed by a rant from the main hacker about how the media spoon feeds us information that they dictate at their whim, when just minutes before, he was rocking out to flyleaf in his apartment. irony. why must you always torture me so? why? why? i mean, i guess i wasn’t expecting citizen kane or anything, and if anything, i was looking for a way to pass 2 hours of time before i was dragged into work. kicking and screaming is an affirmative. i was still impressed with bruce willis, who can still pull off the action movie with the best of them. sly stallone? put down the human growth hormone and retire before you are slain by discerning movie fans.

this past weekend, Loopy and I didn’t do much. i had been sick the entire week, and spent a great deal of time trying to forcibly remove a lung the hard way. we loafed around the apartment here, watching the last of heroes season 1, and i even napped for several hours in an attempt to die as painlessly as possible. Loops made some bread from beer and some cookies to urge the onset of diabetes. i, of course, did my best to encourage it by eating copious amounts of said items. we left the window open and the cool breeze wondered in to make the breathing easier, and refreshing. i spent half the day with my head on the windowsill, sucking fresh air. until about 7am, when it was icy cold and unbearable without more than a sheet to keep me warm. we always start out sharing the comforter, but come morning, i’m always left without. some people are not so good at sharing the covers. suppose it’s time to break out the spare one again for the winter.

that night also brought something weird. Loops had a dream that i was trying to/or did hook back up with an ex of mine. i’m usually leery of dreams like that, because i get paranoid, and think i’m doing something to plant those dreams. didn’t think i was, but now i’m going to be on edge because of it. and strange really, it wasn’t until then (and a brief, retarded-ass vampire show saturday night) that i’d even thought about any ex’s. it’d been a long time since i had even thought about any of them, but the mention of the dream was enough to make me revisit some old memories, and put me in a melancholy mood for a good while. and here you thought i’d worked my way out of the funk. and you’d be right, but theres nothing that says a guy can’t have minor relapses.

until my next relapse, see you later…..

so i watched Balls of Fury recently. wasn’t quite impressed, but there was a few chuckles. i liken it to one of those movies you end up watching on television at three in the morning. you’ll watch it, sort of. it was so riveting that i could only pause it to do important things like dishes and almost burning my dick on the stove while cooking (you’d think that i’d know better after the first few times). also caught Across the Universe, which Loops and I both liked, but i thought it needed more dialogue/story. i even warmed up to the ‘Hey Jude’ song a little. i’d recommend it if you’re girlfriend/wife is dragging you to the movies and you have no choice. gotta be better than Dreamgirls, right? (hahaha, dodged that bullet!)

a customer at my job was caught wearing a hat that said “nymphomaniac treatment center physical therapist”. he was @ 5′2 and 250lbs. scruffy with a monster mullet and some scary teeth going on. i’m sure the ironic truth of him wearing that hat was missed on him. i got a good chuckle though. i almost attempted to get a pic on my phone of it, but didn’t because i’m lame. sorry about that. in other work news, you know its a bad day when your stores owner visits and informs you that you’re looking fatter. i mean, it’s nice and all that he wants to make conversation, but hey, how about the weather? how about that local sports team? how about ANYTHING ELSE THATS NOT ABOUT ME LOOKING FATTER THAN NORMAL? who the fuck starts conversations like that? what kind of socially inept retard does that? i spent that entire day upset and semi-depressed about it. then i heard him say the same thing to another co-worker. i relaxed a bit after that, figuring that that was his ‘joke’ or something (but still pretty much wanted to stab him in his goddamned face).

i thought about walking out, but then realized that walking out would be just that. not having a car, i didn’t feel like walking home, especially in 95 degree weather. it’s just now finally starting to feel like fall and it’s almost november. i’ve decided that the weather in Oklahoma must have attended public school. seriously.

oh, and i understand that people from other countries don’t exactly hold true to american culture all the time. but some of them have to start making personal hygiene a little more paramount. namely, the people i work with. the body odor peppery stench just doesn’t work for me. it’s one of those smells that stays with you for hours and its disgusting. deodorant. antiperspirant. seriously. learn to mask odor. there’s an indian kid, and worse, an iranian kid that are the biggest offenders. strangely enough, my nepalese houseboy never smells. i guess they’re still doing things the right way in Kahtmandu. go yaks go!

so, the last few weekends with Loopy have been interesting. fun really, and a little bit scary. this last weekend, i made a batch of chili and Loops tried out a boneless chicken and dumpling recipe. both meals were phenom. next time, i’m making her put some carrots and celery in it, if just for color. she’s as of yet fighting this notion, but if i have to make it for it to happen, it will happen. we also were paid a visit by the iowegians, who will have to have their name changed to something else, now that they live in nebraska full time. they will now be known as the Cornholers. HA! ENJOY THAT ONE! so the cornholers popped by unexpected and we all went out to lunch. they also bestowed a bread recipe and sample for us to eat. Loops totally ate all of it though, i didn’t get much at all. or something like that, i really can’t remember.

and surprisingly enough, this next story isn’t related to the last. the weekend before, we had some issues with the apartment toilet. around the middle of the day, Loops shouts from the bathroom, asking if we had been having toilet problems. of course, we hadn’t, but were about to. these problems lasted most of the day. of course, she being the one who discovered a clog (or something more sinister), was blamed immediately. i mean, i don’t want to outright say she did it, but come on. it happened after she used it! haha. (it also may have happened after a 3 day stint of having no toilet paper and using napkins instead because we’re ghetto up in this piece) so of course, she went on the defensive , saying that nothing she deposited could clog anything, as her deposit was made not of one lump sum (omg, classic), but smaller deposits incapable of forcing such a situation. i, brilliant as ever, deduced that her smaller deposits had combined to form one giant blockage. the individual lions joined to form Voltron, so to speak.

so later that night, a new plunger and some liquid plummer entered the household only to find the blockage gone. i guess there was some defense needed elsewhere in the universe that night. we were saved. it kind of pissed me off, given that i had spent at least an hour trying to unclog that bitch during football time.  oh well, shit happens. what? what the fuck did you think you came here to read? some sort of intelligent geopolitical commentary? you came here for bad jokes and poop stories, get over it.

so, i guess i’ve been feeling somewhat better, but still have moments on occasion. i’m not a total basket case, and don’t think i’m in need of medication (except for mega doses of dayquil sinus this week) save for a sparse drink or 5. not sure exactly how normal it is to have those mini-crises, but hope it is, to a certain extent. i took a step back and realized that things were just compounding, and though i feel i’m helpless in many-a-situations, it’s nothing to go squirrel shit about. i guess that if worse comes to worse, i could always mope around in bed and catch up on sleep for the decade. maybe go emo and start listening to horrible, whiny bands and cut myself. nah, i’d have to move this back to diaryland for that.

and lastly, i’ve found out that yon ole Dr. Booty has finally found jesus. after spending the last year or so in and out of mental institutions, he’s finally seen the light and chosen to live correctly, following the path of Jesus. his words, not mine. i can’t say it’s a good or bad thing, but think if it helps him to be a better person/father/husband (ie, not cheating and snorting coke anymore), i’m all for him finding something that tethers him to fucking semi-reality. it’s odd, but i can’t say i didn’t see it coming. we all know people who swing so far in their lives like pendulums from one extreme to the other. this guy went through wicca to satan worship to worshipping the digital computer god at one time. he went from death metal to techno to well, more techno-jungle things. i suppose it was only a matter of time before he felt father time creeping up, and mortality became an issue. his mother was super religious as a witness, and i always think that kids with parents like that will eventually return to that, even if they rebel in youth. there was always a joke between the cornholers and i, about who was going to jump the shark and swim in baptism waters from our little cadre. i guess we know who wins that bet now.

not even a month yet and i find myself back here to write. actually, i’ve been a little backlogged on my writing, as wanting to expunge things trapped in my mind for a few weeks now. nothing like putting things off because you don’t want to actually stop for a few minutes to let the thoughts break free. thoughts are very bad things, and given enough space, could actually kill people using only their brains. trust me on this one, i’m a doctor (sort of).

i’ve been in sort of a funk lately, as most people around me can visibly identify. i can’t put my finger in the problem, but know that theres something askew and is in need of attention. i used to give KattyBoHo junk about being a robot all the time. being calculated and cold, unfeeling counter of beans and things. so irony has once again knocked on the door, making me feel that way. i’ve been very blasé as of late. nothing seems to get me too excited or interested, and it’s kind of fucking annoying. i’ve even grown to expect a certain amount of idiocy from work, and no longer take notice of the day-to-day moronic minutiae. the only note i have from work this time is that one of my customers seems to have it stuck in his mind that my name is shawn. he calls me that every time i see him, and i just don’t feel it’s important enough to correct him. not exactly sure as to why i don’t.

Loopy asks me over the weekends “are you ok? you’re making sadface.” and i’m not aware i’m doing it. i mean, sure, i’m frustrated at the car situation and the job situation, and it has to be impacting me somehow. i just didn’t think that it had worked its way to my face. i’m trying to save money for a ride, but seem to be working backwards lately. the astronaut biz just isn’t as lucrative, financially and intellectually, as it once was. ok, maybe it was never stimulating in the intellectual sense, but always in the people watching one. watching an employee run for his life after being busted embezzling funds was an interesting day, if only for the story. on a side note, why run when your employer has all your personal information and offered to just leave the cops out of it if you pay him the cash? not that it’s related though. it’s in all good probability that i need a long vacation from there.

i read and talk to people that have felt emotionally all over the place and got medication for it. like they have trouble keeping themselves under control and need to tone it down. what the fuck are you supposed to do if its the opposite? like everything’s under control and maybe you need some sort of emotional outburst or wacky happenstance. do meds like prozac work in the opposite for people at the other end of the spectrum? not that i think i need anything, except maybe a little spice to pepper up my existence. i guess i just don’t have a firm enough grasp on the mechanics of mood-altering drugs. and even if i did need them, my insurance situation would not work for me getting anything that costs more than flintstone vitamins. hell, maybe i should pick some of those up….

Loopy and I had talked about going to see Across the Universe this weekend. maybe getting out of the house and seeing that will help pick me up. i do feel like somewhat of a homebody just spending my time at work and home the last few months. and even though it’s a musical, i could probably stand 95% of it (for some reason ‘Hey Jude’ annoys the shit out of me). i’ve also thought about, but decided against purely for financial reasons, going shopping for some dvd’s. i’ve picked up a few new albums lately, and am still trying to get used enough to them that i can make an informed decision as to their level of charm. if anyone else has tried out the new Band of Horses or Iron & Wine albums, let me know what you think (even you smed, but keep the reviews to a paragraph each. har!)

also hurting my current state of mind is the idea in my head that i need to lose weight. it’s bugging me. and it’s perhaps not so much an idea or whim, it’s a certifiable fact. i need to lose it, i need to start taking better care of myself. i’m fucking falling apart. the minor aches and pains are going to turn into torturous annoyances eventually. i don’t really feel the gym, and i just can’t seem to muster up any energy if i could. i’m not trying to sound defeatist, but i almost feel defeated. i’m not exactly wanting to lose weight the way i did last time i got determined. sure, the 50lb drop was neat, but starving myself to get there wasn’t a lot of fun, and i don’t think i could really chew that much gum again anyway. my jaws couldn’t take it. anyone has any constructive ideas, let me know. keep in mind, i will stab you to death for even suggesting i quit zero-cal soda.

helping things is the fact that the weather here is finally starting to cool down. the ninety degree crap in the middle of the night was pretty lame. sometimes leaving a window open for cool air to sweep in is just what the doctor ordered. hopefully i won’t overdo it and get sick. because that would be all i need, right? i did finally just get over a cold i was incubating for 3 weeks or so. the coughs alone were enough to send me into back spasms. doing consecutive shots of ‘tussin and green nyquil was interesting enough though, but a shame the results are much different when you’re actually sick and doing them. recreational cough medicine is much more interesting. maybe that’s what i need. illicit drug use. i could revisit the old idea that heroin would make things much more interesting and creative for me. sadly, i would have to settle for something in the free-clinic category. and licking toads just ain’t my thing, baby (unless there’s any money in it for me). i’m not sure if i’ve reached a meandering babble yet, so i’ll continue…

ok, maybe it was en empty threat.