Get Low, Get Low, Get Low, Get Low

so i have good news, and i have bad news. the good news? i somehow managed to guilt/talk my way out of working on turkey day. not only do i not have to work, i get to spend the day at sister christian’s, with a minimal crew that doesn’t include the aunt i want to melt with a giant magnifying lens. she’s sick and can’t make it. it’s good, now my sister can have a glass or bottle of wine with her meal without fearing that my aunt with impose sanctions on the sinners. it’s all for the better, it’ll give her time to rifle through her old song catalog to find another song about a whore that she’ll say reminds her of my sister. did i mention that i don’t like her and hope its not just a cold, but a cancerous tumor of the brain dead set on popping at any moment. i shouldn’t say these things, thanksgiving is about giving thanks for what we have. i will be giving thanks that she wont be there and hopefully has an aggressive rectal cancer in her mouth.

but i digress.

that was the good news right? right. so no one got back to me about x-mas. i’m going to take this as a sign that everyone but dick has given up on this blog. excellent. perhaps that’s what i was waiting for. i had been writing for quite a long time, albeit infrequently, and frankly, i had set the bar so damned high that i was having problems psyching myself up to write another fucking gem of a post for you guys. they all can’t be sapphires, right? sure. like anyone was pestering me to fill that hole in their life that was left when i stopped my sermons. it’s ok guys, Poppa Lando is here to make everything better. well it’s either that or i’m here for the party, and i’m 6 years late. so i know what you’re thinking, where the fuck did you go Lando? Why had you forsaken us? let me hit enter a few times.

see, i had become very dedicated to not doing a single thing anyone could consider productive. i played a lot of world of warcraft. i gained 10 pounds. i lost 10 pounds. i became obsessed with watching about 15 television shows and also became annoyed when Loops bothered me during my ‘programs’. i’m over that now, unless it’s Doctor Who. i regret working too damn much and not doing enough with Loops. I feel bad for that last one. I started talking about myself way too much. I started talking to myself way too much. I bet that i could use the letter I way too much in this post, and that you would read it all. I just won that bet and owe myself a dollar.

if you hadn’t noticed already, i changed the page up a little. 86′d some dead links, added another or two. changed the layout. ate some chicken nuggets. repainted. did a little dance. played with a mosaic for the header. added a twitter feed and then i set out some nice aromatherapy candles so you guys would feel at home. i also spent a few minutes giggling about the link marked “Dick” over there and how many ladies would click on it with the noblest of intentions. you have my word, it’s not a picture of my dick. i erased those.

let’s see. at work recently, for those of you not waiting anxiously at my twitter feed. co-worker had a brother that got genital warts when he banged some bar skank without a rubber. when i blurted out laughing, i was scolded as it was not funny…because he was ‘ruined for life’. fuck that, it was still funny. dude’s name is Cecil. Cecil with genital warts, you can’t write comedy gold like that folks. sadly, two weeks after i was told that, the story was amended. he still banged a bar skank without a rubber, but he didn’t get genital warts. he did, however, get a staph infection and his testicles swelled up to the size of softballs. he almost had to have them amputated, but settled for nine stitches and having one of them packed with gauze. i can only imagine the smell when the gauze were taken out. christ that had to have been amazing/disgusting/nauseating. when i think of it, i imagine the old magicians hidden hankerchief trick where they just keep pulling gauze out in different colors of the rainbow…

one day this week, i was so stuck in my head that i forgot to put on deodorant before i went to work. it took me an hour or two to remember, and was thankfully not ripe before i could fix it. unfortunately, the emergency stick i had was women’s secret (shhh, don’t tell), so i spent all day smelling like deodorant thats made for a woman, but strong enough for a slightly more butch woman. i got some on my hand and it’s all i could smell all fucking day. i spent the rest of that day remembering that one day in 7th grade nightmare of the FDS/Hairspray mix-up. so i was paranoid all day, but at least i didn’t smell like peppery-ass. no one likes peppery-ass.

it’s thanksgiving guys. i hope that everyone has a wonderful day filled with eating too much, watching some football, and forgetting about destroying an indigenous people for the sake of taking their land. or oil. holy shit where did that come from? bummer city all of a sudden. oh well, we can give thanks and hope for something better to come. that and maybe, just maybe, that Snoopy will for once get the bigger end of the wishbone this year.

so finally, i guess that the bad news is that there is no bad news. i lied to you. i know, i’m a bastard. a bastard with a brand new single to spend. dance for me baby, i’ll make it rain.