"mining personal embarrassment for your reading pleasure."


Everyone’s got it.

My sister and her husband had been trying to have a kid for years by this point. Something was broken, and there wasn’t a whole lot in the ways of hope at this point. They’d been checking into every available option, including in-vitro, etc. At family events, my sister would sneak off into the bathroom to inject herself with fertility drugs that were playing havok with her hormones and emotions. She was a wreck. They had pretty much given up on trying to have children of their own and had decided that adoption was going to be the only way to share the love they were eager to give. It was fairly heartbreaking, because I knew how bad they wanted it. But hey, adoption is wonderful also. Giving a child that would perhaps otherwise not have a chance at a caring family is just about the best thing you can do for anyone (besides strippers and cocaine).

Occasionally, a small cross section of the family would meet at my sisters house for dinner. Sometimes a board or card game to pass the time and get the competitive juices flowing. We’re pretty ruthless when it comes to games, my sister takes them pretty seriously. Hell, she even wears a shirt to them that reads “I didn’t come here to lose.” We had just eaten and my sister was pretty jazzed about a cake she had made. “Does anyone want any cake?” to no luck. I mean come on, we had just gorged, we were stuffed. Who has room for cake? She waited another 15 minutes before asking again. Still no takers. At the time, I was 300+ lbs, you think I’d consider even leaving room for cake (and before you even fucking say it, fuck you. it was meats, not sweets, that tripped my trigger) ? She waits another, what had to be only 5 minutes, and asked for the last time.

I know what you’re thinking. Here’s where shit gets crazy. She said cake three times, and now the urban legend of Cake Man is supposed to appear with his scary pie-trowel hand and force feed all of us until we explode like Mr. Creosote from MP’s Meaning of Life. Sorry to disappoint, this did not happen. What did happen was my sister basically yelling “EFF THIS, I’M GETTING SOME CAKE.” I was just more surprised that she was less interested in the game, and more interested in said cake. Moments later she came out and layed the cake on the table. Across the top in pink and blue icing, the cake read “I have AIDS and am going to die very soon. sorry about that.”


Ok, maybe that’s not exactly what it said. Or anything really that close. “I’M PREGNANT”. We all sat there for a second in a stunned silence. The only thing I remember hearing was my step-mother squeaking out a “really?”. I don’t think it was more than a few seconds before we were all crying. The games were done for the night but we were ok with that. It was a pretty great night, and I was bursting with pride for my sister (and maybe with a little cake too). I knew what they had gone through.

This was almost four years ago. Time really does fly. Since then, things steamrolled a little bit. My sister and her husband kept going and had another child after. A girl and a boy for the set, and they’re pretty awesome. Being an uncle is way better than being a dad. First and foremost because I don’t have to take them home at night and deal with the aftermath of me giving them too much sugar. They’re still pretty young at this point, so they need that extra attention. I almost can’t wait until they’re a little more self-sufficient. Almost. I think my only request currently, is that a 200% reduction in screeching would be wonderful. I have a tough time with that in particular.

I wanted to share this with you because this is a memory I cherish dearly. It’s the one that started this new, crazy journey as ‘Unc’. I’ll never forget that night, and I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one.

Time to upgrade this flip phone.

Oh man, it’s been a crazy few days since I’ve written last. Wait. IT’S BEEN 5 FUCKING YEARS? I should have never volunteered for that military experiment involving freeze-dried MRE’s. I say this, but damned if they aren’t doing amazing things with science nowadays (case-in-point: FM Radio). Before I work myself into too vigorous a blather, let me check my missed texts. This may take a minute or two, it looks like there’s a couple, and this is a lot to process, people.

Ok, where to start exactly? There was a rough year in there. Loops and I lost three of the cats she had loved for a long time. Nineteen, Eighteen, and Fifteen years old. No one can say they didn’t have long, full lives full of love. We still think and speak of them often, and while it still hurts, they’re good memories. It’s at once everything I love and hate about being a pet owner. In the time since, we’ve acquired two new ones. Both girls. Both torties (one regular and one dilute). And like always, they run the full spectrum on everything. One shy and sweet, the other crazy and nicknamed ‘Mama’s Little Dumb-Dumb’. Miles is still kicking it, choosing to spend as much time as possible talking to and smothering me.

Loops later packed herself up and moved out of the ghetto, and she even brought me along to be nice. The new digs are, to me, quite a step up. I would even be surprised to hear gunshots outside here. Like how crazy is that? It’s amazing the things you get used to. We partly moved to be closed to our respective workplaces. Oh, we changed those too. She a couple times i think, and I only once. I kind of got fed up with bullshit and told them I would get back to them about quitting. It’s been almost 4 years, so I don’t think they’re still waiting. Maybe I should have let them know. Nah. Fuck em. My new job paid less than my previous, but I like it more. I’ve made some good friends that I even have taken to spending time with outside of work. It’s odd, but I think this might be what normal people do.

 photo momdrawing_zpsf1h75rt9.jpg

The Mother. Where to even begin? She moved back to Oklahoma after she had issues with her husband. The issues were she thought he was messing around on the side after finding some pics on his cell. Not really a shock, as every woman that came into contact with him seemed creeped out by the little dude. I think it was probably his need to stare at their tits, but I could be wrong. She’s since spent her days fishing for, and do forgive my language, cock on craigslist. Hooked up with at least one convicted child molester, and multiple others that “want to take care of her so she doesn’t have to work”. As of yet, this has not at all been the case, and I’m sure more than one asked her for money. My sister and I are in a perpetual state of confusion and amazement regarding the near sitcom-like situations she puts her self into. On second thought, it may be less sitcom, and more Jerry Springer.

She, in her spare time, managed to come down with a nasty case of stage 4 non-hodgkins follicular lymphoma. And beat it, hopefully for good. She’s not keeping up with her post treatments, so there’s always the fear she’s going to relapse. She also refuses to talk about, or make plans for any sort of bad turn, much to the chagrin of her children. God forbid we not get stuck with the tab in the end, just like we always knew would happen. She’s still super fucking crazy, so don’t worry about anyone getting off lightly. The cancer was a surprise. We all expected some weird STD’s, but cancer is never not a shock, i suppose.

The best part is the way we found out. She was raw-dogging some rando hillbilly and had a stroke. Cue ambluance and EMT’s asking her all sorts of questions she wouldn’t know the answer to, like ‘Who’s the president?’. They thought at first it was some sort of bacterial infection, or meningitis. I made jokes to my sister about my mother taking craigslist bricks in her mouth. Oh scat jokes, will you ever get old? It wasn’t for a couple days before we were told what was going on. She couldn’t function. She lost her job, couldn’t pay her bills. Things were bad all over.

Then we got to do some chemotherapy. A few days after the first session, my sister sent me some pictures of my mom with her hair falling out. I remember crying a fair amount. I may not get along with, or really even like my mother. I do love her. She’s still my mother, that’s not lost on me. I think it was something like once every three weeks we were in there. If I never see one of those places again, I’ll be just fine. The staff was great, the other patients weren’t really all that bad. Hell, everyone was dealing with the same shit. It’s just that the whole thing was claustrophobic to a certain extent. Not even necessarily in a physical sense, but it was very present. Watching my mother just collapse inward, being completely overwhelmed by the situation was hard. My sister and I had to be there to shoulder it, and I still have no clue how we got through.

Wilford Brimley Built My Hot Rod

it’s a new year. did you know? sure you did. x-mas and new years went off without a hitch. with the former being fairly lonely. my better half was in south tejas and i spent the greater part of a week on my ass, bored to tears. i played a lot of WoW, ate an entire pumpkin pie by myself in one sitting, and put off laundry until the day before i went back to work. i’ll let you guys decide which of those is the most impressive (or sad). things happened before that, though, so lets grab Mr. Peabody and take a trip in the way back machine. way back to around december 10th. before we go, we might need to change our clothes into something more appropriate as not to cause a ruckus.

the skeptic in me would like to believe that a week after i write about Holden, i wouldn’t find myself in another cat situation. checking my snail mail before i go to work, i heard a kitten meow-ing. it had just started to snow, and i was concerned (like any sap would be) about a homeless kitty. after locating the source of the mews, i spoke back to him, and he came over and was as friendly as could be. he even followed me to my car, stopping short to hide from the snow underneath another car. so at this point, what the hell am i supposed to do? i sat in the car for a minute and told myself i wouldn’t take in another cat before i called Loops and told her (in not so many words) to go get him and bring him in.

after 24 hours or so, we decided on a name for our new little fellow. Miles. like any kitten, he’s a spunky little thing. the girls aren’t super fond of him, but hopefully that will change with time. if you follow me on twitter, you’ve seen the pics. if not, gimme a yell, i’ll kill you with cute. when he’s not climbing curtains, he’s balled up next to me purring. it’s disgusting. throughout the rest of the month i did other things. changed cars, went through some mild depression type business, played more world of warcraft and cleaned house a little (very little). hell, i wasn’t even aware when the year changed over. oblivious as always, Loops had to tell me when to pay attention.

had some strange health things lately. a couple times in the last few weeks, a few of my toes on my right foot have gone numb. or fallen asleep. or whatever. i spent all night one night worrying about diabetic neuropathy and eventually losing my feet to diabetes. which i dont have as far as i know. then i worried for a little while about my kidneys. i had issues a few years back on one side because i was taking an ‘herbal supplement’ in pill form. sciatic nerve problems for 9 months, bang! and given this is on the same side, with those same toes, i started to wonder if my kidney was giving me shit, or i had stones, or yadda yadda. of course i haven’t gone to the doctor. i’m terrified of the doctor. so i’ve been eating a little better i think, drinking less of the colas, and havent had any issues since. let’s hope it stays that way. pray to whatever you like for that, please.

i think what i hate the most about the doctor is the shame. you always get that look like “holy shit, what in the hell did you do to yourself?”. least it always feels that way to me. i feel the same at the dentist also. and at gyms. and pretty much everywhere i go. guess it explains why i don’t like leaving the house sometimes. it bothers me tons to think that i’m ashamed to be who i am or look like i do. i know this is an unhealthy behavior, and still let it peck at me constantly. like one of those drinking bird desk ornaments. fucking angry drinking birds.

So I’ll sing you a new song…

letting you know that no one took me up on my offer. i still have my dollar. i’m quite disappointed in all of you.

in happier news, thanksgiving went off pretty well. by the day of, the expected patronage dwindled to 5. the aunt i had dreaded a visit from didn’t show, probably opting to stay at home with a turkey sandwich and pray that the turkey found jesus before someone offed it. the ones did that actually show were pretty pleasant. the food was great, my sister ever strengthening her acumen in the kitchen ten fold. we played some games, had some laughs, and i channeled the spirit of a 60 year-old man and ended up napping in a chair for a bit. i didn’t even really have that much turkey, i should have been fine. my father and my step-mom even showed up for a bit, and stayed far longer than she’d usually allow. nothing really exciting or out of the ordinary, except that when we got home, Loops wanted to lay the hammer down on some rock band 3. she’s pretty good on the keytar folks, you watch her, you’d think you were seeing the thompson twins all over again. without the bad hair.

i have a picture pinned to my wall too

was hoping to find some sweet deals on black friday, but was denied. i did find a pretty decent deal on cyber monday, which Loops promptly took advantage of. good thing, it was over and done with minutes after she spent her skrilla. and sure we have to wait a week, but there’s nothing better than that new tv smell. the only thing i’m not looking forward to is rearranging and getting rid of the old tv. it has to weigh as much as a compact car, but much less easy to move. so if you find me in traction next week, you’ll know what happened. well, its either that or i let my mouth run somewhere i shouldn’t have. this happens frequently also, but usually only at work.

speaking of work, the co-worker who has all the drama (bro/hubby) made quite the stupid bet on a football game this last weekend. she’s a big fan of one of the local college teams, and bet her branded winter jacket on the game. her team lost, so in a bit of ceremony, the jacket will be destroyed in a ceremony this friday. torn into 9 different pieces to be split with anyone who wants a cut. now color me wacky, but if you weigh 90 pounds, why would you wager your only winter coat on a football game? to me it’s funny. i had warned her all week not to talk so much junk, having explicit experience with a trouble making mouth. she spent all week sending me taunting text messages, only to get a sly wink back after her team lost. a tough loss, but at least no ones pulling anything out of her genitals. that i know of.

only one month left in this year. damned if time really doesn’t fly faster as you get older. i blinked and it was over. aside from those 8 months i spent in a coma (that’s my excuse), i barely remember any of it. one thing i do remember, was the beginning of june. realizing i hadn’t written about it, i guess i will try to do so. i got a phone calls from Loops when i was at work, it sounded like she had been crying and told me that something was wrong with my cat, Holden. it pretty much was determined that he was dead, just laying by the litterbox. it hurt a a lot, but i tried to stay at work to finish up before i came home to face it. i didn’t last an hour. had to bail before i snapped, preferably out of sight of customers. so i went home and found that my little buddy of what, 8 years or so had moved on. it was kind of sudden, and heartbreaking even still. i think i did an amazing job of holding it together until i had to pick him up. i lost my shit, and spent quite a bit of time crying after that. even the description of it makes me feel like an asshole, not doing it any justice. not to the emotion of the loss or his memory. it’s hard to convey the emotions in depth without cracking. hard enough to hold it together on a daily basis, let alone when something this horrible happens. i still walk through the house and hope to see him. sometimes i stand in the kitchen and still expect him to talk to me. it’s painful. i talk to the other cats about it sometimes late at night, because i’m fucking nuts.

way to end this on a down note, you fucking douche.

Get Low, Get Low, Get Low, Get Low

so i have good news, and i have bad news. the good news? i somehow managed to guilt/talk my way out of working on turkey day. not only do i not have to work, i get to spend the day at sister christian’s, with a minimal crew that doesn’t include the aunt i want to melt with a giant magnifying lens. she’s sick and can’t make it. it’s good, now my sister can have a glass or bottle of wine with her meal without fearing that my aunt with impose sanctions on the sinners. it’s all for the better, it’ll give her time to rifle through her old song catalog to find another song about a whore that she’ll say reminds her of my sister. did i mention that i don’t like her and hope its not just a cold, but a cancerous tumor of the brain dead set on popping at any moment. i shouldn’t say these things, thanksgiving is about giving thanks for what we have. i will be giving thanks that she wont be there and hopefully has an aggressive rectal cancer in her mouth.

but i digress.

that was the good news right? right. so no one got back to me about x-mas. i’m going to take this as a sign that everyone but dick has given up on this blog. excellent. perhaps that’s what i was waiting for. i had been writing for quite a long time, albeit infrequently, and frankly, i had set the bar so damned high that i was having problems psyching myself up to write another fucking gem of a post for you guys. they all can’t be sapphires, right? sure. like anyone was pestering me to fill that hole in their life that was left when i stopped my sermons. it’s ok guys, Poppa Lando is here to make everything better. well it’s either that or i’m here for the party, and i’m 6 years late. so i know what you’re thinking, where the fuck did you go Lando? Why had you forsaken us? let me hit enter a few times.

see, i had become very dedicated to not doing a single thing anyone could consider productive. i played a lot of world of warcraft. i gained 10 pounds. i lost 10 pounds. i became obsessed with watching about 15 television shows and also became annoyed when Loops bothered me during my ‘programs’. i’m over that now, unless it’s Doctor Who. i regret working too damn much and not doing enough with Loops. I feel bad for that last one. I started talking about myself way too much. I started talking to myself way too much. I bet that i could use the letter I way too much in this post, and that you would read it all. I just won that bet and owe myself a dollar.


if you hadn’t noticed already, i changed the page up a little. 86’d some dead links, added another or two. changed the layout. ate some chicken nuggets. repainted. did a little dance. played with a mosaic for the header. added a twitter feed and then i set out some nice aromatherapy candles so you guys would feel at home. i also spent a few minutes giggling about the link marked “Dick” over there and how many ladies would click on it with the noblest of intentions. you have my word, it’s not a picture of my dick. i erased those.

let’s see. at work recently, for those of you not waiting anxiously at my twitter feed. co-worker had a brother that got genital warts when he banged some bar skank without a rubber. when i blurted out laughing, i was scolded as it was not funny…because he was ‘ruined for life’. fuck that, it was still funny. dude’s name is Cecil. Cecil with genital warts, you can’t write comedy gold like that folks. sadly, two weeks after i was told that, the story was amended. he still banged a bar skank without a rubber, but he didn’t get genital warts. he did, however, get a staph infection and his testicles swelled up to the size of softballs. he almost had to have them amputated, but settled for nine stitches and having one of them packed with gauze. i can only imagine the smell when the gauze were taken out. christ that had to have been amazing/disgusting/nauseating. when i think of it, i imagine the old magicians hidden hankerchief trick where they just keep pulling gauze out in different colors of the rainbow

one day this week, i was so stuck in my head that i forgot to put on deodorant before i went to work. it took me an hour or two to remember, and was thankfully not ripe before i could fix it. unfortunately, the emergency stick i had was women’s secret (shhh, don’t tell), so i spent all day smelling like deodorant thats made for a woman, but strong enough for a slightly more butch woman. i got some on my hand and it’s all i could smell all fucking day. i spent the rest of that day remembering that one day in 7th grade nightmare of the FDS/Hairspray mix-up. so i was paranoid all day, but at least i didn’t smell like peppery-ass. no one likes peppery-ass.

it’s thanksgiving guys. i hope that everyone has a wonderful day filled with eating too much, watching some football, and forgetting about destroying an indigenous people for the sake of taking their land. or oil. holy shit where did that come from? bummer city all of a sudden. oh well, we can give thanks and hope for something better to come. that and maybe, just maybe, that Snoopy will for once get the bigger end of the wishbone this year.

so finally, i guess that the bad news is that there is no bad news. i lied to you. i know, i’m a bastard. a bastard with a brand new single to spend. dance for me baby, i’ll make it rain.

through the prism of my selfish world-view.

i didn’t mention last post that i wasn’t allowed to have soda for a few days after the extraction. which, if you know me, know how horrible that must have been. not necessarily for me, but for everyone around me. i kid, mostly. the headaches were the worst part, and i don’t think i was too snippy with anyone. Loopy would know more than i, i was busy drowning my sorrows in water. disgustingly boring water. in fact, i didn’t have to take any pain meds for the tooth pain, but did have to take some for the lack of caffeine headaches. the positive i this being that i have an ample supply for when its disco-party night.

that about covers the minutiae.

interesting week. and funny, i watched Season 5 of Doctor Who and all of the Sherlock series, and still managed to sit on my ass less than i would of in a normal week. world of warcraft is the devil and i’m going to blame my sheer abundance of mass solely on it. ok, maybe not solely, but why have any sort of accountability now? work is still the same tired clusterfuck, and i don’t see that changing. the completely bad-ass CIO at obsidian entertainment comped me the Fallout: New Vegas collectors edition. he also threw in a mug and t-shirt, for the promise of future handies (kidding?). if any of you haven’t played it yet and are interested, do so, its pretty fucking snazzy. robots, mutants and a dystopian western wasteland? sign me up anyday, pardner. i’m usually not much for first person shooters, but i found something deep inside that takes great joy with seeing someones head seperated from their bodies by a shotgun blast to the face (virtually of course). i’m sure Loopy is tired of hearing me giggle with delight after such a thing.


had a bit of a headache with the on and off again ‘dr. booty’. after a stellar span as a good friend, i’ve been relegated to the position of non-friend. solely because i refused to let him be my friend on facebook, and he couldn’t understand why. he had some harsh words that somehow brought to mind the pot and the kettle. thank god i wasn’t even going to try to wrap my head around the absolute crazy he was trying to push on me, my skull would have gone event horizon and we’d all be in trouble. and by all, i mean the small moons that orbit me. that means you guys! some friends are bigger than others?

thanksgiving and xmas are coming quickly, and this season, the plans are very weird. no different from the norm, i may work on thanksgiving. its something that never really bothered me, i never really had anything going on thanksgiving anyway. my family seems to be somewhat segregated the last few years, and we can’t really gel on getting together at the same time. i had a good time last year, spending thanksgiving with Loopy, Sister Christian and her Husband. no parents or extended, just us. throw in some crazy food, football, and some rock band and everyone had a ball. i’m anxious to do that again. sadly, living only about 10 miles away. i still don’t get to see my sister all that often. i miss her.

as for xmas, i’ve been on a schedule of visiting Loops mom one year, my family the next. this years my year to spend at home, and i’m not sure that i’m really looking forward to it. my father and step-mom do this little auction thing with her kids that they like us to attend. i went once before, and it was fine aside from being around a bunch of people i’d never met. i’ve also been told that we’re not exchanging gifts this year. i love buying and giving gifts, so this sucks. add all this to the fact that i’m actually taking vacation during the xmas holiday. its starting to look a lot like me, sitting on my fat ass, playing wow. i guess the positive is that since i’m not buying for the family, i have some extra to put towards Loopy’s fam and Loopy. the latter of course being a giant pain in the ass concerning a gift. want something woman!!!

i say this knowing full well that i’m just as big a pain in the ass when it coming to buying a gift for. asking for ‘world peace’ or ‘goodwill towards man’ probably does get annoying as fuck after the 3rd or 4th request. pressing my tiny brain into finding things not insanely expensive, if anyone has any suggestions, i’m all giant ears and befuddlement.

and thanks again one more time Dillz, the world is a better place with you in it (and not just because you gave me free shit).

November Spawned a Flosser

you should know by now that i gave up writing for lent. wait, i’ve never been catholic. ok, maybe i gave it up for sloth. either way. so the last few weeks i’ve been bored to tears. i’ve been surfing everywhere, and even stopped and looked at my blog, longingly, once or twice. not in any sense of wanting to write, mind you. just in the sense of wanting to not be bored and remembering that i used to write quite a bit to stave off the boredsies. nowadays, i use a healthy dose of hulu.com to do the same thing. i think the main reason i’m even attempting an entry today is because i realized that my last 2 entries were a little heavy on the ‘crazy mom’ vibe, and that’s not traditionally what this whole thing has been. as you all know, it’s about self-loathing and keeping my food blog. and concerning the latter: since i last blogged, i ate EVERYTHING.

and speaking of eating, about a month ago, i started having some serious pain in my mouth. damned teeth always fucking things up. i dream constantly of losing my teeth, then i start with the dull agony. i gave it about a week and a half before i promised i would go to the dentist to get things checked out. this was pretty huge for me. i’d not been to the dentist in forever. and by forever i mean it wasnt this decade. pretty weird for someone who’s father worked in a dental clinic for years. i was always uncomfortable there, i don’t like dentists or doctors. i have some big personal issues regarding my teeth, but i imagine that most people have their own issues also. after a few days of getting relatively zero sleep handling the pain, it was time.

so i went. being a social event (in my mind), i was amazed at how calm i was. this would normally be something that would set me off into nervous shakes and hours of mulling every worst case scenario imaginable. i think that i was just ready to stop hurting and get it over with. blah blah, wisdom tooth extraction. took what was probably an excessive amount of novacaine to get me numb, but boy was that pretty cool. i need a supply of that shit, seriously. the only weird thing about the whole situation was not feeling the tooth coming out (aside from the pressure) but hearing the tooth coming out. weird and awesome. after that, i got a little excited about something i was super-nervous about. i was all giddy and ready to get all of them pulled. fuck it, lets throw caution to the wind! GIMME SOME GOD DAMNED GAME SHOW TOOFUSES!!!!!

even i blog more than Lando!

they made me leave instead. since? everything tastes salty.

i spent the next couple hours wondering around wal-mart waiting on my scrips. mainly because i turned one in, but forgot the other was in my pocket. i felt like a giant dumbass. wondering around white trash central drooling and probably chewing on my own cheek for what seemed an eternity. i reverted to my 12 year-old self and bought myself a toy. it helped ease the pain of having to wade through the fucking sea of geriatric shoppers, solely purposed with driving me bat-shit crazy on a weekly basis. i will never stop complaining about old shoppers. please, if there is a god (there’s not), please someone make soylent green happen.

i’m pretty jazzed. i get season 5 of Doctor Who in the post today. so if anyone wants words, i’ll be incommunicado post-hasty (but you can try s/t exting). add that to an already backloaded schedule of Fallout: New Vegas and Rock Band 3, and i’ll be missing for the greater part of whatever is left of 2010. i also and trying to find the time to play on the jinx.com website (see link on left) and maybe start drawing a little again. no promises to myself, it’s been about 15 years since i picked up a pencil. and who knows, maybe i’ll even pick up the keyboard again.

though i do promise, just for you,  to not pick up some nipple band-aids and visit the desert.